From Red to Green

A good friend is inspiring me to write again. And due to a change in home circumstance, I am now able to access a computer without the interruptions of a wonderful but distracting toddler... And so, I write today. ... I am growing less patient in many areas as I grow older, wiser, stronger in my mind; but feebler, more likely to injure and more symptom prone physically. I am no longer willing to let comments just slide when they have a negative impact on those I care about. I am more willing to become "biblical", in that I will metaphorically cut an arm from my body if it ceases to function or has died & risks the loss of the whole. The metaphor within me to that end is toward people and relationships that can be seen as risking the whole of my life's joys and struggles. I will cut them out to preserve my whole. ... I have friends who have secrets, make unwise choices or are occassionally just plain wrong. These friends are still held so deeply close. I have friends who are toxic, make insecure comments causing another pain, who react instead of act without thought to consequences outside those that effect only themselves or who refuse to evolve or move forward toward a better goal for themselves and us all. These friends are no longer held onto with excuses such as history or unbalanced loyalty. These are the people and situations with which I am becoming quickly less tolerant. I cut them off from myself, like a limb that infects and kills. For this toxicity does kill, slowly, but surely. ... ... ... This life isn't long, even if a day can sometimes seem to last a lifetime. We have only one chance with this body, these faces, this time and this place. Perhaps we can return or reincarnate, but this one specific life and time for our soul can never be repeated. Yes, we must pay our dues by going through the motions of stresses like work, money and rules, both natural and man made. But every day now, I try to be grateful for anything I can, so that the joys I have struggled to achieve can more thoroughly be retained long term. Each drive leaving work, I can see the sunset over the highway as I wait for my traffic light to go from red to green (holy symbolism there...). Each day the sky is painted by an unseen artist, never the same two days in a row, always elaborate and detailed, even if only in the drops and shadows of a blanket of clouds weeping rain. Every song is a different collection of notes and rhythms and harmonies, some causing joy, some reliving memories, some simply there to make my body inspired to dance. Each smile passed my way is another chance to pass it on further, to smile in return to say Thank You, a chance at just one short moment of relief from the "day to day". But if we rush past these sunsets, these melodies, these smiles, how can we find joy that we ourselves are making a choice to be blind to? ... I am tired of others wading in a misery that to them seems easier than fighting for happiness simply because it requires effort. I am tired of others feeling entitled to greater things, but not willing to work for them. "Entitled" to me means you have already done your due diligence, not that you are free from ever doing it. I have worked hard for where I am, I have fought myself and battled my mind to find a center of peace and nothing another can say or do to me has the power to steal that away from me. A sentence I wish I could tattoo across my forhead backwards, so that I may be reminded of it's simplicity and strength every time I pass a mirror. ... The greatest compliment I have ever received personally, and will probably ever receive, is that I am "good at learning from other's mistakes". Why must so many refuse advice or experiences from another who "could not possibly understand MY life" and force themselves to struggle unnecessarily just to see it for themselves that the outcome remains the same, regardless of who is facing the battle. Why would I chose to make the same mistakes over & over again that others have made, when I can take those lessons & build on them, to evolve myself from an even better starting place? To me, that would be wasting a piece of the small amount of time I am already racing against. I am not privy to the details of how long I will be here or what will drag me, kicking and screaming, from this place that I am finally starting to understand in the limited way of an imperfect human. I feel like I am finally getthing a rhythm to who I am, where I am going, and how I will get there. That could all end tomorrow, or I could have 80 more years to keep getting better. To not allow the lessons of another to teach me & guide me further in that goal would be foolish. But apparently, I am virtually alone in this way of thinking. To make mistakes is to be human, but to some, it is also the only way they know of being unique and "themselves". This, I do not understand. I see it, I accept it, but I do not understand. Can someone explain it all away?