It's only taken over a decade for me to actually believe I'm good at 'what I do' for a living. I'm a bookkeeper - a financially-minded, analytically-experienced number-lover.
I started the journey in a corporate cubicle earning far more than I was worth right out of college, and ended up sobbing to & from work daily, hating my job & resenting my boss more than I'd ever thought I could. In my attempt to save my own self & sanity, I quit that job. I started over.
So I then worked as a cashier at a Mexican bakery near my house, not even full time hours, and only making minimum wage. But it was a job, right? And I adored the family I worked for, the boss I worked with daily, the customers who treated me like gold... It was cathartic after the cubicle hell I'd just survived.
Then I got a second job, another minimum wage bullshit job, and ended up exhausted & burnt out being everyone else's peon in life & being treated like shit for being "just some cashier". Talk about seeing a different perspective from the high-paying suit-wearing first-job-outta-college! I even had a former cubicle coworker pretend she didn't know me as I rang up her items for her one day... I wasn't embarrassed to be seen by her, but she was clearly embarrassed to see me like that I guess... But I was happier doing shit work for shit pay in the end, compared to being trampled emotionally by a woman who had nothing but her career in life, who took credit for everything I did right & blamed me for everything she did wrong simply because she was my 'boss', and who basically stole my annual bonus from me to keep for herself by claiming I was a horrible employee. (At least others at the company did back me once I left, but by then it was too late for me to stay in that situation...) And I knew that I could figure something else out... in time...
After another year or so, my dad ended up suggesting an office/bookkeeping job posting he saw at a non-profit organization he was affiliated with. I easily got the job, between my mathematical & organizational skills and being the daughter of my highly-involved father, even though I didn't honestly think I'd get it. I didn't think I was good enough still. But there, I had an amazingly supportive boss who built my self esteem up daily, instead of intentionally trying to destroy it, like my corporate boss had. After four years there, I'd given birth to my first born baby girl, I'd evolved my resume beyond recognition, I'd self-learned many commonly used computer programs that I hadn't known prior, I'd gained networking contacts and side jobs with my skills for other members of the non-profit's community, etc. I had reformed myself into something new, someone highly skilled, someone marketable. But, I was still someone getting paid almost nothing for her time and energy.
I was then approached by a woman in my new network who knew of a job opportunity that would pay a good 30% more per hour & would be a shorter commute to my home for myself & my baby daughter. It was the first job since my corporate job where I really dressed up, where people held their heads high, even though they worked for another non-profit, this time for the town. My new boss exuded pride at my abilities, my performance, and told me often how amazing it was to have found me for their finance needs. She offered me one of the best titles I've held to date - "Financial Systems Administrator". She made it clear that she expected the best from me but was confident I'd outshine her expectations, and so I did as I was inspired to do. I learned more & more about the computer programs I'd started learning at my first non-profit job, I learned more about the need to network, I learned how to be proud of myself & my abilities.
Unfortunately, due to the deteriorating economy, all the employees at this town job had their hours cut. I would no longer be able to pay my bills if I stayed. However, one of these new networking associates also had need of my skills, and offered to hire me for the hours I had lost, and at my same rate of pay. Again holding down two jobs, but only working the hours of one job, I bounced back & forth between the two positions for awhile. Eventually, the town non-profit job lost it's appeal as the staff left one by one because of the cuts in hours & budgets, including my boss there, and my hours continued to be cut as the organization debated closing their doors completely. The other job I was working, as bookkeeper & assistant to the owner of a local restaurant, started to look like the better long-term opportunity. My new boss offered me a supervisory position within the restaurant itself (waitressing) to cover the lost wages of the non-profit, which would allow me to work some nights & not need as much daycare for my now-a-toddler daughter. I accepted her offer & worked there another year+.
But again, due to the awful economy, even the restaurant itself started to falter. Fewer customers meant smaller & fewer tips for all the waitresses, even the supervisor. So the income I'd been earning started to fade to less than I needed to earn, even with the bookkeeping hours up in the office. I was devestated to realize I needed to leave this job, because of the amazing coworkers within the restaurant that I had met & developed relationships with, and because of the relationship I had developed with my boss there - another wonderful woman who treated everyone like gold, even (especially?) the lowest paid of her staff. She respected everyone in her way, she was quiet but so very strong, and she never gave up on anyone. She was the type of woman who'd pull cash out of her restaurant cash-register to help a cook bury his mother when she died because he had no way to afford it, and never ask him to pay her back, even though he slowly did. I often think that I was meant to work for her those years, because during the time I was keeping her books in check and helping run her waitresses in the restaurant, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and forced to stop running her restaurant for awhile because of her medical procedures. I was one of the staff who stepped up and kept her business running while she took care of herself, so she would not need to stress about anything during such a tough time for her & her family. It feels good to know I could be there for her, since she was always the one to be there for the rest of us when we needed someone most. (BTW, she is in full remission) :)
But once she was fully healthy again, I had to make another move, for my family, for our finances... As much as it emotionally hurt me to do so. I asked my network of friends, family & acquaintances on social media outlets about other opportunities they may know of. A friend since childhood, who I was ridiculously close with years before, and was just getting back to becoming amazingly close with again as adults, told me his company was hiring a bookkeeper. What coincidental timing, I thought! I applied and was hired very quickly, with all other applicants clearly failing to compare - another great boost to my once non-existent job-skill self-esteem.
I have now worked at this office for over 2 years. I have had the chance to have a second child, another baby girl. Now, things are starting to head downhill here, too. This job is in the real estate industry, which is still hurting from the recession & other economic down-turns. My bosses, who are used to lots of money always coming in & no financial worries in any aspect of their lives ever, are suddenly scrambling in a way they've never had to before (but honestly nothing like 95% of the ppl in this country are scrambling financially...), as are many of my other coworkers whose income is solely commission- based. Suddenly, everyone is getting nervous, getting testy, and these things are effecting the atmosphere of a once jovial place to work. Suddenly, I find myself having to negotiate to get raises and bonuses, where before they were just standard. Suddenly, some employees are on held a higher pedestal than others, regardless of performance, attendance or attitude. Suddenly, everyone's looking online for something new, somewhere new, to earn their living.
And I have fear. Less about where I'll go, what I'll do, if I'll still be stuck here a year from now or not, and how people will feel if I disregard loyalty and only do what is best for MY family, MY live, MY financial bottom line. What I truly fear is still whether or not I'm good enough. If I'm worth it, if I'm worthy, worthy of something better, something more.
My current job would be the best job ever if the bosses weren't so flashy with their six figure salaries & luxurious multiple homes & cars. If they didn't brag about buying their 18-year-old a brand new car to take to their $60,000/year college in the fall. Bosses then try to deny employees who work like hell for them, for far less pay than they are worth, a few hundred dollars at Christmas time. Who then act like you are ungrateful because you ask for a raise which would end up being about $40 per week PRE TAXES that you completely deserve, simply because then they might have to forgo eating one of their $200 non-business-related meals at the casino with their friends on the company credit card every now & then instead.
It inspires zero 'company loyalty' when you're told the 'company' cannot afford to pay you more or give you a bonus because the 'company' bottom line isn't as profitable as the owners would like it to be, when you full well know the 'company' is doing just fine and would have a great profit margin if the owners would a)pay their own taxes & not pay them via the company's expenses, and b)stop charging enormous personal expenses on the company card every month. I guess at my age I'm just getting tired of working this hard for someone else to reap all the benefits. That's one of the biggest reasons I left the corporate world more than a decade ago, so why am I still sitting here dealing with it yet again? Haven't I learned better, with all the age that has fallen upon me? But this battle seems to be the way of the world, and that saddens me to no end.
I'm starting to believe I shouldn't be facing this ordeal any more. The self-esteem that the past decade has grown for me is now cheering from the sidelines to keep looking, to dig deeper, to find someone who truly sees my worth. That to dream that one day I could be the one with a bigger house & nicer car & fewer financially worries in life is not such a distant & untouchable dream as I may tell myself it is most days. That I'm really really good at what I do. I have proven it again & again. Perhaps if I threaten to leave, someone here will figure that out, but I cannot guarantee that it won't be too little too late for me to stay.
So now I am seeking once again. With two little girls, one now in school, to find a job with flexible hours or school hours is now slightly more important than pay rate to me. Although, our house is so tiny that it doesn't fit a family of four, and both our paid-off cars are about to die on the side of a road somewhere, so pay is still pretty important, as I am and have almost always been the primary bread-winner of our little family. But more than just pay does matter to me now. To miss my daughters' childhoods is something I refuse to allow, no matter how poor I spend my lifetime.
I just wish money & job stress didn't have to be such huge pieces of life. What would I give to spend more of that time focused on my girls, focused on my family, spending time with them & just enjoying life & evolving myself more. And so I seek. I keep moving. I won't stop - been there done that not going back again. And I refuse to let ungrateful, spoiled, entitled rich men try to steal away the confidence it has taken me over a decade to earn back after that first corporate break-down. No amount of money entitles them to treat anyone else as lesser than themselves. They have no idea what battles others face daily. They have no clue what it's like to be forced to choose between paying the mortgage on a tiny house that doesn't even fit a family of four versus buying the oil to keep that house warm enough for the children squished inside it. Let alone watching your car sputter & die before your eyes, knowing you have no way of replacing it once it dies for good, and praying every time you start it up that it will keep your babies safe as well as get them where they need to go. They have no idea what that life is like, not when their 18 year old kid gets something brand new for doing nothing but graduating high school with a barely-B average. Let's just say, my girls will be raised as I was, that you must earn good things in life, and only hard work & time earn it. So here I go, earning. Fighting. Struggling, but not giving up.
Life, please give me the coincidences to chase. Give me the dream to dream and an imagination strong enough to believe in that dream. Give me the strength to struggle, but let me not need to struggle forever. Toss a life raft into this bitter cold water that I tread daily, so that someday, maybe someday, I just might make it to that shore.
For my girls.
#hopevali #contradictivehope #prose #shoreofsomeday #seeking #formygirls