I keep catching myself fading off into the distance... My eyes lost focusing on nothing... Put together with the amount I've been sleeping, I think I need to pay attention again... I'm eating less & less healthy again... I haven't spent a lick of quality time with my hubby... I've been getting more testy with my daughter...
These are all the signs I know and despise, but have become my familiars. It's time for something to change. It's time for a smack upside the head. It's time for a treat, a break, a SOMETHING.
Cuz I can't stand the "D" word but I can feel it coming. Sinking into a void of nothing, slowly numbed and unable to fight through. Not quite here but rolling in like the tide, the tide of my life, an ebb & flow of days & nights into one massive cloud of "oh no". Depression has no visible line, no date, no shadow.
How trite that word has become. As if just some cold we all catch, a quick fix pill's cure away, a weakness we should all be masters at by now, yet none of us are.
And I refuse to bow down, to just take it like a victim. Which is part of why it's not here yet. But I feel it behind me, hiding until I am too tired to keep watch.
I do indeed know her causes, though her cures are not within eye-shot, today. For it is not in preventing the cause that this bout may be broken, not this time.
Unfortunate in it's outcome, the path cannot be untaken. This be one of the few times my control of the situation is gone. In this, I have no choice. In this, I have no option but to take what I am given. It is in that helplessness, I find difficulty. I find fear. I find frustration and anger. I find myself trying to give up. I find myself under-motivated to fight.
But my daddy would say he raised a fighter, so what exactly do I do with this? How do I fight a life of surprises that I also so deeply respect? How do I fight a ghost with no form? How do I fight for control of things I ought not have control over, just because control is what I desire?
How do I proceed? I despise that unknowing, unanswerable question. I feel it's weight, pushing me down under a layer of water so thin it appears like a cloud, not the fluid filling my lungs that I should be defending so fiercely against.
But in a single small moment of quiet vulnerability, one voice beckons through the notes of another. A reprieve perhaps? Reprieve per se? Reprieve darest I hope?
Reprieve, I do wait.
#hopevali #contradictivehope #reprieve #idowait #prose
Monday, September 17, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
destination of perfection
I don't get why people can't just let other people be.
Why are so many so preoccupied with the actions, decisions and semantics of other people, when I've yet to meet a single person who is entitled to judge. Everyone I've ever talked to has faults they could be working on within themselves, or battles in their own lives that need their focus instead?
Why must people try to read between every line spoken or written by another, instead of simply taking what is said or read at face value? Perhaps we'd all be that much better at communicating if we just spoke honestly and stopped trying to "interpret" everything. Cuz from my experience, "interpreting" = "assuming" and we all know that one-liner about those who "assume".
Just seems an enormous waste of time & effort to me, when so much else needs our time & effort more. People are starving, but you are upset because someone said "your" or "you're". Children are bullying other kids instead of simply playing & feeling the joy of innocence, but all you can think about it who's FAULT it is. WHO CARES? How does blame fix ANYTHING but YOUR sense of self worth???
I am sick and tired of ignorance. Ignorance that we are ALL THE SAME. Ignorance that we are ALL HURTING. We are ALL FIGHTING for what we desire, we are all on a JOURNEY and NO ONE has reached the destination of perfection yet, NO ONE. So stop treating people like they should be perfect instead of fallible, JUST LIKE YOU. We are so blind to empathy these days, to understanding, compassion, GIVING EACH OTHER THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. Stop letting your negativity at yourself turn into justifying why someone else is WORSE than you are so therefore YOU can feel ok.
Oh no, because WE KNOW what you're REALLY thinking, WE KNOW how things SHOULD be, WE KNOW what the RIGHT thing to say or think or be really is. Oh WE KNOW, don't we.
OR.
NOT.
How about we all just take a breath, back off, slow down, and be just a TINY BIT KINDER to everyone around us. Stop thinking what others can do for us and start thinking what we can do FOR OURSELVES.
Sorry, Pres. Kennedy, but I think introspection might do a whole lot more good these days than charity & service or national pride. I don't think most people could even handle those concepts, they're too busy pushing someone else down so they feel just a little higher up.
But Yertle the Turtle tried that and oh boy if he didn't end up covered in mud and all alone. #
#hopevali #contradictivehope #yertletheturtle #destinationofperfection #shouldbe #kind #ignorance #rant #prose
Why are so many so preoccupied with the actions, decisions and semantics of other people, when I've yet to meet a single person who is entitled to judge. Everyone I've ever talked to has faults they could be working on within themselves, or battles in their own lives that need their focus instead?
Why must people try to read between every line spoken or written by another, instead of simply taking what is said or read at face value? Perhaps we'd all be that much better at communicating if we just spoke honestly and stopped trying to "interpret" everything. Cuz from my experience, "interpreting" = "assuming" and we all know that one-liner about those who "assume".
Just seems an enormous waste of time & effort to me, when so much else needs our time & effort more. People are starving, but you are upset because someone said "your" or "you're". Children are bullying other kids instead of simply playing & feeling the joy of innocence, but all you can think about it who's FAULT it is. WHO CARES? How does blame fix ANYTHING but YOUR sense of self worth???
I am sick and tired of ignorance. Ignorance that we are ALL THE SAME. Ignorance that we are ALL HURTING. We are ALL FIGHTING for what we desire, we are all on a JOURNEY and NO ONE has reached the destination of perfection yet, NO ONE. So stop treating people like they should be perfect instead of fallible, JUST LIKE YOU. We are so blind to empathy these days, to understanding, compassion, GIVING EACH OTHER THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. Stop letting your negativity at yourself turn into justifying why someone else is WORSE than you are so therefore YOU can feel ok.
Oh no, because WE KNOW what you're REALLY thinking, WE KNOW how things SHOULD be, WE KNOW what the RIGHT thing to say or think or be really is. Oh WE KNOW, don't we.
OR.
NOT.
How about we all just take a breath, back off, slow down, and be just a TINY BIT KINDER to everyone around us. Stop thinking what others can do for us and start thinking what we can do FOR OURSELVES.
Sorry, Pres. Kennedy, but I think introspection might do a whole lot more good these days than charity & service or national pride. I don't think most people could even handle those concepts, they're too busy pushing someone else down so they feel just a little higher up.
But Yertle the Turtle tried that and oh boy if he didn't end up covered in mud and all alone. #
#hopevali #contradictivehope #yertletheturtle #destinationofperfection #shouldbe #kind #ignorance #rant #prose
Monday, September 10, 2012
Let the hope hope
This weekend was an odd one... We spent Saturday afternoon & evening with my daughter's friend from school & her family. They are unusual folk but pretty nice, so despite some differences sometimes, I'm still maintaining that open door as much as I can because it's so important to my daughter that I do.
In the meantime, we are still "trying" for that baby. Not as many attempts made this month, but still the timing was hopefully correct for what we have to work with. ;) Between life pandemonium & colds running through our house like wildfire this month...
But life is a jokester around such things, I think. Messing with my head whenever possible. I did drink some beers with those friends Sat. evening, but we didn't get home very late & I had zero symptoms of a hangover Sunday except for... The total digestive meltdown that is/was my upper & lower digestive system.
The lower half of me could be screwy for any number of reasons. It's become my life to have issues with that, so it's nothing new. Could have even been a short lived bug. However. Usually when I have said bugs, I get upper digestive issues too, usually worse, and ones that rarely end well. Usually, once the upper digestive system starts to panic, little gets it to stop, I have no "off" switch.
So Sunday, I felt ill in all ways. Threw up only once, and then felt fine in regards to my upper half once I 'got it out' of my system. Which, well, that just never happens, really. One episode is so rare, that it catches my attention when something like that happens. So Sunday did. Granted, my lower half was messed up for a good 6-8 hours, that was the end of that too. And my lower back/hips have been KILLING ME.
Seriously, I think I'm making myself go crazy. Every time one of my boobs hurts even slightly. Every time I get just a tiny bit more clumbsy. Every time I get a girlie cramp or feel bloated or weepy... All I think of is that which I desire more than just about anything right at this point in my life. A baby.
And to think if I randomly started throwing up once and only once for a few days? I would not only jump to the conclusion that we succeeded in our attempts, but also that we succeeded in making ourselves a SON. For my daughter, altho she did make me feel sick during the early months of my pregnancy, she only made me *literally* sick one or two times. And my sister used to talk about the fatigue hitting from both her pregnancies, it was always her first symptom, wanting to go to bed by 7pm every night... I didn't have that with my daughter. But my sister had boys both times.
I despise this waiting game of "trying". I'm not even giving it the full 100% effort I could, not yet at least, but the waiting of it is so tiring. And my head just keeps getting it's hopes up, no matter what rational says, ignoring all logical thoughts of "yea right" or "there's no way to know so stop" or "you'll be so upset if you're not if you keep hoping like this...".
It's hard to convince a heart to not hope for that which it hopes for more than any other hopes in a moment. And a heart cannot step outside the box it is held within, no matter the moment, or the reality of the box. Even a box made entirely of mirrors, where one inside wouldn't even know it's held within a box. Isn't that our whole lives, really, I guess? Inside a mirrored box, with no way of seeing outside of it.
So I'm stuck in this moment, this hope. And I cannot say I don't adore it, for the logic in my mind does know one thing for sure. This is either a wonderful beginning, or a saddness en route. So I might as well enjoy the light & joy of the hope while I still can. For it all might be gone in a week, on to more waiting & arguments within myself daily. Enjoy for now, and let the hope hope.
#hopevali #contradictivehope #prose #trying #hope
In the meantime, we are still "trying" for that baby. Not as many attempts made this month, but still the timing was hopefully correct for what we have to work with. ;) Between life pandemonium & colds running through our house like wildfire this month...
But life is a jokester around such things, I think. Messing with my head whenever possible. I did drink some beers with those friends Sat. evening, but we didn't get home very late & I had zero symptoms of a hangover Sunday except for... The total digestive meltdown that is/was my upper & lower digestive system.
The lower half of me could be screwy for any number of reasons. It's become my life to have issues with that, so it's nothing new. Could have even been a short lived bug. However. Usually when I have said bugs, I get upper digestive issues too, usually worse, and ones that rarely end well. Usually, once the upper digestive system starts to panic, little gets it to stop, I have no "off" switch.
So Sunday, I felt ill in all ways. Threw up only once, and then felt fine in regards to my upper half once I 'got it out' of my system. Which, well, that just never happens, really. One episode is so rare, that it catches my attention when something like that happens. So Sunday did. Granted, my lower half was messed up for a good 6-8 hours, that was the end of that too. And my lower back/hips have been KILLING ME.
Seriously, I think I'm making myself go crazy. Every time one of my boobs hurts even slightly. Every time I get just a tiny bit more clumbsy. Every time I get a girlie cramp or feel bloated or weepy... All I think of is that which I desire more than just about anything right at this point in my life. A baby.
And to think if I randomly started throwing up once and only once for a few days? I would not only jump to the conclusion that we succeeded in our attempts, but also that we succeeded in making ourselves a SON. For my daughter, altho she did make me feel sick during the early months of my pregnancy, she only made me *literally* sick one or two times. And my sister used to talk about the fatigue hitting from both her pregnancies, it was always her first symptom, wanting to go to bed by 7pm every night... I didn't have that with my daughter. But my sister had boys both times.
I despise this waiting game of "trying". I'm not even giving it the full 100% effort I could, not yet at least, but the waiting of it is so tiring. And my head just keeps getting it's hopes up, no matter what rational says, ignoring all logical thoughts of "yea right" or "there's no way to know so stop" or "you'll be so upset if you're not if you keep hoping like this...".
It's hard to convince a heart to not hope for that which it hopes for more than any other hopes in a moment. And a heart cannot step outside the box it is held within, no matter the moment, or the reality of the box. Even a box made entirely of mirrors, where one inside wouldn't even know it's held within a box. Isn't that our whole lives, really, I guess? Inside a mirrored box, with no way of seeing outside of it.
So I'm stuck in this moment, this hope. And I cannot say I don't adore it, for the logic in my mind does know one thing for sure. This is either a wonderful beginning, or a saddness en route. So I might as well enjoy the light & joy of the hope while I still can. For it all might be gone in a week, on to more waiting & arguments within myself daily. Enjoy for now, and let the hope hope.
#hopevali #contradictivehope #prose #trying #hope
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