This weekend was an odd one... We spent Saturday afternoon & evening with my daughter's friend from school & her family. They are unusual folk but pretty nice, so despite some differences sometimes, I'm still maintaining that open door as much as I can because it's so important to my daughter that I do.
In the meantime, we are still "trying" for that baby. Not as many attempts made this month, but still the timing was hopefully correct for what we have to work with. ;) Between life pandemonium & colds running through our house like wildfire this month...
But life is a jokester around such things, I think. Messing with my head whenever possible. I did drink some beers with those friends Sat. evening, but we didn't get home very late & I had zero symptoms of a hangover Sunday except for... The total digestive meltdown that is/was my upper & lower digestive system.
The lower half of me could be screwy for any number of reasons. It's become my life to have issues with that, so it's nothing new. Could have even been a short lived bug. However. Usually when I have said bugs, I get upper digestive issues too, usually worse, and ones that rarely end well. Usually, once the upper digestive system starts to panic, little gets it to stop, I have no "off" switch.
So Sunday, I felt ill in all ways. Threw up only once, and then felt fine in regards to my upper half once I 'got it out' of my system. Which, well, that just never happens, really. One episode is so rare, that it catches my attention when something like that happens. So Sunday did. Granted, my lower half was messed up for a good 6-8 hours, that was the end of that too. And my lower back/hips have been KILLING ME.
Seriously, I think I'm making myself go crazy. Every time one of my boobs hurts even slightly. Every time I get just a tiny bit more clumbsy. Every time I get a girlie cramp or feel bloated or weepy... All I think of is that which I desire more than just about anything right at this point in my life. A baby.
And to think if I randomly started throwing up once and only once for a few days? I would not only jump to the conclusion that we succeeded in our attempts, but also that we succeeded in making ourselves a SON. For my daughter, altho she did make me feel sick during the early months of my pregnancy, she only made me *literally* sick one or two times. And my sister used to talk about the fatigue hitting from both her pregnancies, it was always her first symptom, wanting to go to bed by 7pm every night... I didn't have that with my daughter. But my sister had boys both times.
I despise this waiting game of "trying". I'm not even giving it the full 100% effort I could, not yet at least, but the waiting of it is so tiring. And my head just keeps getting it's hopes up, no matter what rational says, ignoring all logical thoughts of "yea right" or "there's no way to know so stop" or "you'll be so upset if you're not if you keep hoping like this...".
It's hard to convince a heart to not hope for that which it hopes for more than any other hopes in a moment. And a heart cannot step outside the box it is held within, no matter the moment, or the reality of the box. Even a box made entirely of mirrors, where one inside wouldn't even know it's held within a box. Isn't that our whole lives, really, I guess? Inside a mirrored box, with no way of seeing outside of it.
So I'm stuck in this moment, this hope. And I cannot say I don't adore it, for the logic in my mind does know one thing for sure. This is either a wonderful beginning, or a saddness en route. So I might as well enjoy the light & joy of the hope while I still can. For it all might be gone in a week, on to more waiting & arguments within myself daily. Enjoy for now, and let the hope hope.
#hopevali #contradictivehope #prose #trying #hope
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