Angry that I am angry.

I feel so very angry inside today. Not even sure what on earth to type. Just kinda want to type.

Let's start at the beginning I guess, which is... I feel angry. I am full of it.

Angry at myself for my countless list of stupid useless criticisms and judgments.

Angry at victims who are full of whined excuses and devoid of common sense reality.

Angry at people who take one look at me and assume they have me alllllll figured out.

Angry at people who should know me so well, and yet still feel entitled to demanding more of my time or effort than my own family gets to have.

Angry at life for being hard, confusing, stressful, tiring and never ending.

Angry at my pillow for losing it's poof.

Angry at the sun for hiding for too many days in a row.

Angry at my car for needing new tires.
Again.

Angry at my husband for making me wait for things that I, too, know I should wait for.

Angry at those I care about for making foolish decisions that hurt themselves and I am helpless to fix them.

Angry at money, for it's control over my life, for it's lack within my life, for it's boastfulness all around me, though I can never quite get to it.

Angry that I am required to be away from my daughter as much as I am, just to be able to feed her and keep her warm.

Angry that yesterday, I let her down.

Angry that I physically do not feel well, and that feeling is becoming more and more constant.

Angry
that I am angry.

Maybe curling up with said daughter when I get home from work will dissolve this anger. Her joy is too contagious for me to deny. Her love too unconditional, even if I cause her tears for any reason, she still forgives me with a hug and tells me I am loved. I will try to hold onto that right now. For her, I will try.

Perhaps I'll write a more hopeful blog tomorrow.

Shall not will not not.

Test me, yes.
Test me, do.

Push me, yes.
Push me right on through.

But deny me not the promises made.
I will trust the faith,
trust the game,
as long as you
just keep calling my name.

Your presence known you made me see,
sang to me in strangers' weaves,
but now you feel so far away
what a change in only a day,
only a day.

I gave to you my way to be,
I offered you unsurmountable seize.
Now you test if too this I may hold,
and test away, but leave me not cold.
Leave me not old if the souled will be sold.

Do not do not do not and I shall not shall not will not not.

Test me, yes.
Test me, do.

Push me, yes.
Push me right on through.

Teach me rules,
guide me within,
to hold onto breezes
blowin round the din.

I will doubt not in faith alone,
I guess this rest is too your test.
Test too hot for this small breast
and much too sharp
for the rest.

If you ask I will hold
and fear not forboding fold
because we made a deal
and you know what I feel
because your rainbow
could complete
this wheel

Do not do not do not and I shall not shall not will not not.

Test me, yes.
Test me, do.

Push me, yes.
Push me right on through.

To you.

Used tears in it's wake.

Logic says there is no need to cry. But the heart has very different opinions about the definition of "need". And so I take a page from the book of "advice to others" and spin it around to face myself, for once, as hard as that can seem to be, and put it all down. Not let it go, no, for that would be far easier said than done as so much else. But to put it down, as in to let my fingers dance faster than a pen could ever write, dance and click along the keys of this keyboard, dancing to release a sweltering melting as parts of me drip the chemical eating away at parts I had not known I carry. A sadness so deep, not even numbness could taint. A fear so clear not even fog could hide, as much as the hiding tempts. For to swallow this pill could stop the till, churning to evolve this field that I have faith You will sow. But the one-liner of my life, "given a long enough timeline" laughs in my face today, as I cry out to know just how far that might flow. The waiting, the waiting, the anticipating, now to come to hopeless head makes so much suddenly seem so futile and my breathing dries like used tears in it's wake. A sense I cannot make. Though I do know it, it is only reactive, yet my heart draws no such lines in the sands of my times, and refuses the logic that all love and support would then cite as reprieve. Oh for a reprieve to stand so simple. But there is nothing none can do, nothing one can do, but the One who is true could change up this weakened blue, if the She only knew how to fix me,
by fixing you.

Please. Please do. So that I might feel but all of the You's, as close to me as I know can be true.
I give ourselves, to You.


Take this from my heart, and replace it, with my Hope,

one more time.