dream

Last night's intense dream...

I was in a medium to large sized room full of people, all perfectly dressed, in perfectly-tailored synthetic outfits and manicured nails, a few are even my friends in waking life. all well dressed, looking clean and smiling and chatting. the people i knew in the dream in the room were all the friends i see as most "successful" in life, all around. families, jobs, etc. or at least they appear to be so from what i get to see... none of my truest best friends were there, maybe because i know so much about them that i know the successes and i know the hardships, both... the people in this room are the people that i dont ever hear complain, you never know if their marriage is awesome or just pretty in pictures, that kind of thing...

there was a large buffet to one side, that people were filling their plates from, then sitting in perfectly laid out rows of tables with evenly spaced chairs. no one shared, everyone had their own plate. i went to the buffet with my plate, the food looked so amazing. i took a few things, but decided not to overfill my plate and just come back for more after.

i walked to where a friend had saved me a seat at her table, but by the time i got there, my plate had vanished from my hand. i didnt put it down, it was just gone. for a minute i wondered if it had even really existed? nah...

i looked all over the room and couldnt find it, though. so my friend suggested i just get a new plate, so i did. i start over to the buffet food, and as i approach each dish option, there's either almost none left, or the serving people close the lid and say i cant have that, or that's being put away, stuff like that.

i could take the burnt edges of what's left, the scraps of this or that, but all that amazing food is gone, or not available to me. and no one at the big tables would share anything, not even my friend. maybe a piece of her soft roll, but not really...

so i look at the empty chair at my friend's table, the only chair left in the room, and consider my options... i look around the entire room, with the empty plate in my hand, and see a doorway i hadnt noticed before. the door is open, but it's as if no one in the room i'm currently in even realizes there's a door other than the one they've entered from originally, which is at the other side of the room, and has remained closed since we all poured in.

i walk toward the open door and sunlight is streaming in. there is a much smaller room beyond the door, like a little porch, and the walls are almost entirely windows. i hadnt noticed the big room i had been in this whole time had almost no real sunlight coming in, and all the light was from bright florescent lights in the ceiling.

i cautiously step through the door, but just one step, because then i notice the people in this new room, and I suddenly feel as if i'm intruding.

they are sitting on a couch, on the floor, on pillows, on a couple wooden chairs, all haphazardly strewn around a coffee table. they are dressed in normal clothes, soft cottons, some aren't even that clean. some have dreadlocks or wear hats, none have fancy nails or makeup. most have their backs toward me, but one turns and says "come on in! are you hungry?" i see there are many plates of random food on the little coffee table, but simple food, nothing like the buffet had. more like hors devours - crackers, cheese, apples, bread, olive oil... but they are all sharing, and everyone is chatting and smiling, and the noise feels more relaxed and sincere than in the big buffet room.

they make room for me on the couch. they were already squished, but they make room. i ask why no one else from the other room comes in here, or seems to even see this room? they said something to the effect of those folks being too distracted by their buffet, and too busy making sure they have a seat at the big table.

then i woke up.

it blew me away how, this dream pretty much sums up where i once was, and where i want to be...

from working in corporate for huge money and being who i was "supposed" to be and doing what i was "supposed" to do to achieve this "success" thing, so therefore happiness would just "find" me (instead of me finding it within myself!) and realizing just how messed up that place was and what an illusion it all was (like the plate disappearing in the dream), to where i am now, focused not on money or "success" in the eyes of others, but on family and friendships and my own inner journey, without needing to be rich or have fancy clothes defining me any more, but still ever searching... and that smaller room is what i'm searching for.

i'm tired of having no options but leftover scraps, just so i can claim a seat at the big tables, where ppl smile and talk about jobs and kids and how "great" everything is (on the surface) but nothing else, focused on only themselves, under stale lights in flashy tight clothes on hard perfectly-arranged chairs.

i want to rest in the sun, squished on a couch, breaking bread with those who dont care how each other are dressed, or who has which chair, or even a chair at all. where it's ok to sit on the floor. where the plates of food are everyone's and no one is left without. where laughter is genuine and relaxed. where the sun streams in all around, and everyone does actually notice that it is there at all.

I think I'm getting there, esp with friends like you guys, but the journey continues. This dream helped me see the path more clearly today. xo

#1515


#hopevali #contradictivehope #dream #perfectpeople #whattabledoyouwanttositat

today.

today, I am dying inside.
yet today, I am strong like my grandmothers and their mothers.

today, I am desperately afraid.
yet today, I am calm like a ripple-less pond.

today, I am drowning in my sadness.
yet today, I will make my stand.

today, I don't believe anything will ever change.
yet today, I will try again anyways.

today, I feel helpless and spinning out of control.
yet today, I will close my eyes and take a breath.

today, I will let the full moon fill me,
the eclipse change me,
the earth hold me down,
and the sun lift me up.

today, I will be my name.

today, I will wait.

because tomorrow, I think I just might
be ok.



#hopevali #contradictivehope #today #poetry #beok

photos

I look at a photo of my girls at work, and want to cry. Cry with overwhelming love for them, desiring to hug them right at this moment, and crying because I'm not with them. Because my baby is being raised by someone else, at daycare. Because I cannot afford to not work to give them a house to live in, and not even a big one at that. But I try to focus on seeing them again in just hours, to snuggle them and love them one more day, while they are still small. But I sure wish I could hug them right now.


#hopevali #contradictivehope #missmykids

push

I see You
Pushing my pain
And all I can hope
Is that it is for some gain.

Pushing me harder
Pushing me further
Pain breeds words
But could drive me insane.

Push and I write
Push and I fall
I wonder which one
Would make me stand tall.



#hopevali #contradictivehope #poetry #push #standtall

empty skies

Drowning deep inside
Smiling eyes hiding only lies
He sees all his misery
Never what she tries to be

His repeating promises
of “it’s just a phase”
Blind him to her packing
Done with all the bad days

And where does it end
When lost the passion lover
And barely left a friend
once so fiercely hovered

Tears dried, no longer cried
Love’s con, apathetic numb
Filling in and spilling over
Where anger had once won

Never noticed nor loved,
Yet her efforts undisguised.
So deny her goodbyes
Offer her no replies.
Until the void of her eyes
Leaves naught but empty skies

And grieving surprise.



#hopevali #contradictivehope #poetry #emptyskies

back to the green.

he was different then,
in the woods, in his green
heavy beard and lightweight heart.

he was different then,
more carefree, less stress-filled
only seeking joy and fun and life.

the city has changed him,
changed his face and changed his fear.
but changed his shell or changed his heart?
i fear the unknown answer.

the city has changed us,
too much to do, too much to carry
no time for the simplicity
of those woods, of that green.

we were different then,
we loved like no tomorrow
we laughed like gentle breezes.

we were different then,
can we be different again?
if we return to that which truly matters?

away from the city
away from rushing demand.

back to the woods
back to the green
back to who we were.

back
to who we truly
are
deep inside.



#hopevali #contradictivehope #backtothegreen #poetry

a different dream.

were my dream a different dream
would you react with less spite?
would you support it unconditionally
telling me dreams are meant to be followed
to be chased
if believed in just enough
to feel so real?
were my dream a different dream
one that impacted you less
would you offer words of hope
of inspiration
of optimism and shared joy
at the prospect
of impending happiness
should the dream take flight?
but my dream effects you
and you only see that effect
on you
not that it might be a dream
that i dream
almost nightly
that i feel pulled toward
that i believe in
though i know not why.
a dream that motivates me
to get up
get dressed
despite sorrow
despite loneliness.
a dream
that is carrying me through
these dark days
toward a torch
that is the dream
coming to light
igniting in my soul
a hope i doubted would return.
you tell me how alone i'd be
if i follow my dream
as if i did not feel alone already
though surrounded
by entourage of adoration.
maybe
i need to be alone then.
were my dream
a different dream
would you dream
my dream
with me?



#hopevali #contradictivehope #poetry #differentdream #dreamwithme