Still I Rise
by Maya Angelou
You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.
Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.
Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.
Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.
Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.
You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.
Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?
Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.
#stillirise #poetry #mayaangelou #fave
Friday, August 31, 2012
reallY?
it's really an abnormal and presumptuous request to simply check in on your kids while at a birthday party? really? how is this a lot to ask of a parent? and some parents think that because they brought their own beer & some food to share that somehow this justifies them to expect others to watch their kids for them while they run off to smoke cigs and drink somewhere hidden with their own friends while their kids are hungry and some other parent feeds them? really??? what is our world coming to?
#hopevali #contradictivehope #prose #rant #expectation #reallY?
#hopevali #contradictivehope #prose #rant #expectation #reallY?
Thursday, August 30, 2012
pure stream of consciousness
I feel like I can breathe a little better today. Not that this cold has abated much, but for some reason, some things feel lifted. And then on the drive into work, I felt a new purpose.
I think I got it because last night, I finally listened. Sometimes She has to smack me a little to open my ears, but smack she did, and ears, they received, finally.
Yesterday was the final day of feeling low, feeling done, burnt, used, worthless and hopeless. I started to doubt things that normally, I hold onto for dear life and keep my life worth living. I started to lose faith. Faith in life, joy, strength, and even in me. In all of it.
And then I got a text message. Four, actually. From my best guy friend in all of college. Randomly. I had messaged him online probably about a week ago, as his Facebook page had vanished and I wanted to check in. Last night he messaged me about searching for jobs and how much he missed me. He invited me up to his place in Maine for this weekend but left the door totally open understanding if I was already booked, but wanted me to know how much my presence in his life was missed.
He made me laugh and smile more than I have in awhile. Genuinely.
It was in that moment of genuine happiness at being so loved (and by someone who's been with me through some of my lowest points in life, some of my worst "me" times where I hated myself, and yet he still stuck by me through it all. But vice versa too...) and in that moment, I had another moment. A moment of true deep realization, hitting me like brick (Her smack).
I realized, that yesterday, I woke up to another text message. From someone I still call my baby brother, down in Florida. A friend for more years than worth counting, who has helped my marriage so many times in our early years, that to this day my gratitude is immeasurable. Just a hello, replying to a text I'd sent a good week prior.
And I had gotten an email mid-day yesterday as well. From a former coworker and good friend that I think I haven't spoken to or heard from in about five years! One of those "hey I saw your name and thought I'd give your old email address a try just in case, how the heck are you???" kind of email. We emailed back & forth a few times yesterday and it was really nice to reconnect like that with him.
But it wasn't until I got the four texts from the friend in Maine that I saw the coincidence of it all. That I saw her face right in front of me, smacking me, without seeing a thing through my actual eyes.
My moment of realization last night was this - when my friend from Maine texted me, he was actually the third. To me, three is a big number in regards to coincidences. Maybe you could have two, but once you hit three, it's no coincidence, baby.
On a hopeless, a doubting my faith day, I woke to a message from one old friend. Midday got a message from a second old friend. And finally just before going to bed, I got the third message.
I guess you could say, "I got the message". Old friends out of woodwork expressing love and that I am missed when I hadn't connected with each in quite some time, all three pick yesterday specifically to find me again? And three no less, one for each part of a day. Dropped in my lap. I was blown away when I realized. I immediately turned on my bedside light and wrote about it in my diary.
As I was writing, the words kept coming out wrong. I had been trying to write as if for some blog, as if for an audience, and not simply to write it down. Fail. I know better than that. That I need to write simply because I NEED TO WRITE, not because I have some need to be read. And I need to remember that better, I think.
So then this morning, in thinking of this new Tumblr blog I have begun, which so far has only served to mirror THIS blog, I had a new idea... People tend to read blogs that have a theme. A friend has a blog about his transgender journey, and he has a ton of readers. His blog has a theme, something unique and an idea behind it that stays stable, consistent. And I thought, what if this Tumblr of mine had a "purpose", a theme, a consistency that this blog does not. Perhaps I do have a need to be read, as well as to write. And why can I not have two ways, to serve each of my two needs, but separately?
I started THIS blog as a diary, a journal, a place to dump some emotional diarrhea. So why do that on two blogs? Serves no purpose, really, right?
But then, my name is HOPE. I've always wanted to be hope for others, I've always felt my name is part of my purpose. Ever since meeting a boy at age 16 who was blown away that my name is what it is, who did not believe me when we were introduced. He literally demanded my drivers' license to prove my name, because for him to meet someone who was really named HOPE in that moment of HIS life, would have been too coincidental for him to handle right then. Because all he needed most in the world at that exact moment in time? Was a little hope. And there I was. (She smacked him too, apparently) :)
So I think maybe I'm going to keep this blog as my soul's place to purge its whatever. But make this new Tumblr thing all about hope. One for Hope with a big H, and one for hope with a little h.
Tumblr will have none of my whining when I need to vent, that's what this place is for. But when people search by keyword on Tumblr looking for hope, the idea of it, I want to be there for them, I want to serve my purpose. If I could so much as help one more person, like the boy when I was 16, to just get through that one moment in time, that one day of doubt like I had yesterday, then maybe I'd get to give back.
To give back what I was given yesterday. I was given back my hope, by sheer "coincidence" and my goddess. She reminded me why I believe in Her. Not a "God" or diety like the Christians have. But a mother. To me, She is the combined total of all the energy in all of life in all the universe. Energy with a balance weighing to the side of good, of love, of hope, of joy.
If each human being has a soul and a consciousness, just in the one tiny bit of energy we each get to have inside of us for our lifetime, then I believe that if you take all those tiny bits of energy and combine them, the likelihood of that combined energy having some semblance of a soul or consciousness is high, since even a tiny bit does. The combined total of all our bits would have an impressive soul, it seems to me.
I believe that this is our Source, this combined energy. Where we came from and to where we each return at "death". And the closest word we have for such a thing in our language so far is "mother".
Unconditional love and support, wishing us only that we find joy, happiness, that perhaps we learn and evolve, but only in that we are then more able to love each other and find contentment and satiation in our connections to each other, to ourselves and to Her. (I only call this energy a "she" because that is the easier pronoun for me to connect with)
Funny, too, that I have a highly private name for this "goddess" or "mother" figure of mine, this persona that I give to my source energy belief. Until today, my name for her has always been intensely private. Still is, but with the feeling of renewed purpose and hope in faith that I was able to receive last night, that carried into today, I almost feel like her name is soon to be released. That maybe others need a name for this source, too. This "not God" higher power to believe in.
Because the "God of our fathers" has become an idea of man. And in the moment of becoming something belonging to humans, it immediately becomes flawed, imperfect, tainted by our insecurities and our battles. It becomes laden with our desires and our present needs, and loses it's wholeness and balance. For we, we are imperfect, we are not whole.
But my source has not these failings of people. She has only love. And my connection to that love was finally restored again last night. But only with the balance of being given the weight of new purpose. A bargain I am willing to make. A deal I am willing to take. And I am grateful.
I think I got it because last night, I finally listened. Sometimes She has to smack me a little to open my ears, but smack she did, and ears, they received, finally.
Yesterday was the final day of feeling low, feeling done, burnt, used, worthless and hopeless. I started to doubt things that normally, I hold onto for dear life and keep my life worth living. I started to lose faith. Faith in life, joy, strength, and even in me. In all of it.
And then I got a text message. Four, actually. From my best guy friend in all of college. Randomly. I had messaged him online probably about a week ago, as his Facebook page had vanished and I wanted to check in. Last night he messaged me about searching for jobs and how much he missed me. He invited me up to his place in Maine for this weekend but left the door totally open understanding if I was already booked, but wanted me to know how much my presence in his life was missed.
He made me laugh and smile more than I have in awhile. Genuinely.
It was in that moment of genuine happiness at being so loved (and by someone who's been with me through some of my lowest points in life, some of my worst "me" times where I hated myself, and yet he still stuck by me through it all. But vice versa too...) and in that moment, I had another moment. A moment of true deep realization, hitting me like brick (Her smack).
I realized, that yesterday, I woke up to another text message. From someone I still call my baby brother, down in Florida. A friend for more years than worth counting, who has helped my marriage so many times in our early years, that to this day my gratitude is immeasurable. Just a hello, replying to a text I'd sent a good week prior.
And I had gotten an email mid-day yesterday as well. From a former coworker and good friend that I think I haven't spoken to or heard from in about five years! One of those "hey I saw your name and thought I'd give your old email address a try just in case, how the heck are you???" kind of email. We emailed back & forth a few times yesterday and it was really nice to reconnect like that with him.
But it wasn't until I got the four texts from the friend in Maine that I saw the coincidence of it all. That I saw her face right in front of me, smacking me, without seeing a thing through my actual eyes.
My moment of realization last night was this - when my friend from Maine texted me, he was actually the third. To me, three is a big number in regards to coincidences. Maybe you could have two, but once you hit three, it's no coincidence, baby.
On a hopeless, a doubting my faith day, I woke to a message from one old friend. Midday got a message from a second old friend. And finally just before going to bed, I got the third message.
I guess you could say, "I got the message". Old friends out of woodwork expressing love and that I am missed when I hadn't connected with each in quite some time, all three pick yesterday specifically to find me again? And three no less, one for each part of a day. Dropped in my lap. I was blown away when I realized. I immediately turned on my bedside light and wrote about it in my diary.
As I was writing, the words kept coming out wrong. I had been trying to write as if for some blog, as if for an audience, and not simply to write it down. Fail. I know better than that. That I need to write simply because I NEED TO WRITE, not because I have some need to be read. And I need to remember that better, I think.
So then this morning, in thinking of this new Tumblr blog I have begun, which so far has only served to mirror THIS blog, I had a new idea... People tend to read blogs that have a theme. A friend has a blog about his transgender journey, and he has a ton of readers. His blog has a theme, something unique and an idea behind it that stays stable, consistent. And I thought, what if this Tumblr of mine had a "purpose", a theme, a consistency that this blog does not. Perhaps I do have a need to be read, as well as to write. And why can I not have two ways, to serve each of my two needs, but separately?
I started THIS blog as a diary, a journal, a place to dump some emotional diarrhea. So why do that on two blogs? Serves no purpose, really, right?
But then, my name is HOPE. I've always wanted to be hope for others, I've always felt my name is part of my purpose. Ever since meeting a boy at age 16 who was blown away that my name is what it is, who did not believe me when we were introduced. He literally demanded my drivers' license to prove my name, because for him to meet someone who was really named HOPE in that moment of HIS life, would have been too coincidental for him to handle right then. Because all he needed most in the world at that exact moment in time? Was a little hope. And there I was. (She smacked him too, apparently) :)
So I think maybe I'm going to keep this blog as my soul's place to purge its whatever. But make this new Tumblr thing all about hope. One for Hope with a big H, and one for hope with a little h.
Tumblr will have none of my whining when I need to vent, that's what this place is for. But when people search by keyword on Tumblr looking for hope, the idea of it, I want to be there for them, I want to serve my purpose. If I could so much as help one more person, like the boy when I was 16, to just get through that one moment in time, that one day of doubt like I had yesterday, then maybe I'd get to give back.
To give back what I was given yesterday. I was given back my hope, by sheer "coincidence" and my goddess. She reminded me why I believe in Her. Not a "God" or diety like the Christians have. But a mother. To me, She is the combined total of all the energy in all of life in all the universe. Energy with a balance weighing to the side of good, of love, of hope, of joy.
If each human being has a soul and a consciousness, just in the one tiny bit of energy we each get to have inside of us for our lifetime, then I believe that if you take all those tiny bits of energy and combine them, the likelihood of that combined energy having some semblance of a soul or consciousness is high, since even a tiny bit does. The combined total of all our bits would have an impressive soul, it seems to me.
I believe that this is our Source, this combined energy. Where we came from and to where we each return at "death". And the closest word we have for such a thing in our language so far is "mother".
Unconditional love and support, wishing us only that we find joy, happiness, that perhaps we learn and evolve, but only in that we are then more able to love each other and find contentment and satiation in our connections to each other, to ourselves and to Her. (I only call this energy a "she" because that is the easier pronoun for me to connect with)
Funny, too, that I have a highly private name for this "goddess" or "mother" figure of mine, this persona that I give to my source energy belief. Until today, my name for her has always been intensely private. Still is, but with the feeling of renewed purpose and hope in faith that I was able to receive last night, that carried into today, I almost feel like her name is soon to be released. That maybe others need a name for this source, too. This "not God" higher power to believe in.
Because the "God of our fathers" has become an idea of man. And in the moment of becoming something belonging to humans, it immediately becomes flawed, imperfect, tainted by our insecurities and our battles. It becomes laden with our desires and our present needs, and loses it's wholeness and balance. For we, we are imperfect, we are not whole.
But my source has not these failings of people. She has only love. And my connection to that love was finally restored again last night. But only with the balance of being given the weight of new purpose. A bargain I am willing to make. A deal I am willing to take. And I am grateful.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
happiness who's
silenced disillusionment
free from false belief
beliefs unseen as in dream
to harsh reality's
transparent gleams
drowning disenchantment
finally undeceived
pretty cartoons
of happiness who's
turned off said tv screen.
free from false belief
beliefs unseen as in dream
to harsh reality's
transparent gleams
drowning disenchantment
finally undeceived
pretty cartoons
of happiness who's
turned off said tv screen.
pieces
Here's how I feel lately...
I feel like pieces, desperately trying to stay together, but falling like sand through finger tips. Like my gravitational force is dissipating and my revolving planets are simply drifting away. Not my friends, but the pieces of me.
My thoughts are irrational and annoying and getting in the way of being able to do what I need to do. My emotions are unstable and giving mixed signals to the rest of my entirety.
I feel far away, distant, like I'm watching from outside, fighting to stay at the window to at least keep watching...
But the tide is coming in, and I feel it's cold water creeping around my ankles, up behind my knees, licking at my hips and washing away any hold I might have.
I feel like pieces, desperately trying to stay together, but falling like sand through finger tips. Like my gravitational force is dissipating and my revolving planets are simply drifting away. Not my friends, but the pieces of me.
My thoughts are irrational and annoying and getting in the way of being able to do what I need to do. My emotions are unstable and giving mixed signals to the rest of my entirety.
I feel far away, distant, like I'm watching from outside, fighting to stay at the window to at least keep watching...
But the tide is coming in, and I feel it's cold water creeping around my ankles, up behind my knees, licking at my hips and washing away any hold I might have.
the dark side of change
I am so frustrated. I have known a person since I was 16 years old. He was one of my best friends for SOOOOO long and for a time, I called him a Brother. Granted, people change, but with his many changes in life (he tries on different masks at different times, so I’m not even sure any more which or if any are the real him?) it’s come to my attention that his opinions of me & my opinions (which he used to respect sooo highly!) have changed right along with his masks.
When I was 16, I was raised seriously Catholic. My parents lost a child before me, and God & their Church helped them survive it, so I can respect them going gung ho into a faith that made them better in the end and kept them functional for their 2 surviving children. They were only ever pushy about their faith to their kids, not other people, and as my father has since explained, he wants me to believe in SOMETHING. The what/where/who/how is far less important to him. But to believe in nothing, to have no faith in anything at all, is a sure way to end up alone and drowning in despair. Which I do agree with now, at 32 years old. And yes, I do believe in something. Not the ‘God of my father’, but I have faith, nonetheless.
But at the time, they were pretty strict with their raising of me, between the religious stuff and them simply refusing to lose another child to life’s randomness and/or a teenager’s naive decision making skills. Again, I can respect that now that I’m a mother too.
This friend of mine, let’s call him Chuck for the sake of conversation… ;) He wasn’t raised anywhere near the way I was. He had no dad pretty much, mom worked her ass off, his Gramma tried with he & his 2 younger brothers, but he was alone a LOT.
But at 16, we were as close as teens can be (without sex). We dated twice during high school, actually, but that’s a whole second part of this story… (I never slept with him, thank you very much!)
But Chuck asked me “why” I believe in God, and challenged me that I shouldn’t believe in something “just because my parents told me to”.
At the time, (and it’s still true), I responded that my sister had died and I refused to believe she was just rotting away in the ground. To this day, after 32 years, I still feel her with me sometimes, when I need support most and feel most alone, it’s like if I turn around fast enough, I’ll see her standing behind me, helping to hold me up. I literally feel like someone else, her specifically, in the room with me. And there have been times that I am honestly shocked, as logical a being as I am, to NOT find her where I felt her, just outside the bounds of my peripheral vision.
So I answered him, that because of this, and because I do believe this world has some sense of balance to it (given a long enough time line, though, and most aren’t willing to wait that long to believe), that THAT is why I believe in God. NOT because my parents “make” me.
He kept on at me, trying to convince me that there is no God, for years, and for years, I never relented.
Fast forward a decade or so, and now this friend is a pretty “reformed” Christian! Blows me away, that he went from super hard-core-vegan goth rebel who hates any form of authority & you’re a lesser being for submitting to “the man” personality, to this button-up tie-wearing cubicle-working white collar preachy Christian? To me, that’s a pretty big leap, even if it took about a decade to get himself there.
So now, he acts as if nothing I ever say could be coming from an intelligent thought. Even though he suddenly believes in the God of my father, now. He even once denied to my face that he ever didn’t! I gave him what-for on that one! Liar.
But now, with this new change of his, I must be an idiot all of a sudden. Because I disagree with his bigotry of anyone LGBT (heads up to my good friend who fits within that description and knows who I’m referencing here today! DO NOT come out to THIS person EVER or you’ll just get ig’nance back), that because I disagree with his stance that rape victims should be forced to have the baby (and I really, really, really do disagree) cuz all abortion is 100% wrong, that because I disagree with him I must just be some ditzy dumb girl who just believes whatever she reads or is told, who just jumps on any bandwagon with no thought behind it, who doesn’t really care about anything but her own selfish interests now. Funny, because when you ask him why he believes what he now believes, he always ends up quoting his pastor to me… Instead of a real answer. Well, that or he ends up attacking what I said instead of answering my question. Hmmm….
It baffles me that he could assume such things, having known me as long as he has, having respected me for as long as he had.
I cannot tell you how many times, while I was engaged and then married to my husband (it’s been 9 years of marriage next month, we have an amazing daughter and hubbs is still truly the love of my life, not everyone can say that…), that he attempted to convince me that I should leave the man I love for him. That despite him deciding to end both our attempted relationships (IN HIGH SCHOOL) himself, that I should give him one more chance.
I cannot count how many times I heard him say “but the third time is the charm”. I occasionally would reply, sorry hun but it’s not ‘3 strikes you’re out’ with relationships with me, you only get 2 tries and you gave up what you had both times. (I mean, you should have seen how badly he broke my heart the first time, and who he DUMPED ME FOR??!?! Dumbass.)
I’m thinking perhaps he’s angry with me for THAT, for being the one who got away, for being really intelligent and NOT HIS. His blatant animosity towards me peaked when he got serious with the girlfriend he was dating while still begging for me to take him back…
I asked him once if he truly loved her, was passionate to be beside her daily, that kind of thing. Because from the outside looking in, I didn’t see it, but that I believed it could still be there as many people simply don’t make those feelings as public as others do. But that I wanted him to tell me he loved her deeply, and then I would believe it and support them fully (this was back when my opinion mattered to him).
Since that comment, he has pushed me away, hard. He has been argumentative and often times, just plain mean to me. Judging me for assumptions he made, that sort of thing.
And I wonder, did my comment strike a chord, my old friend? Did I say something you really did NOT want to hear, and from someone who knows you & really does care? Or at least, did. Now I see him as this faker, who has two faces depending on the audience or his mood or his setting. I have lost all respect for him, his opinions, even though he is still a highly intelligent human being.
But he’s changed too many times and now I wonder if he even knows who he himself is, since it is so very hard for me to see the real him any more either. Perhaps he has the same problem.
I hold out hope for him, knowing how great he once was. I’m not sure if she is to blame, or it’s just plain him, but either way, I am pretty much just saddened by it all.
I mourn the loss of a good human being in this world, one who could have made this place just a little bit better. And I grieve that I mourn someone who hasn’t even really died. At least not physically.
But I suppose that is the shadowy dark side…
…of change.
When I was 16, I was raised seriously Catholic. My parents lost a child before me, and God & their Church helped them survive it, so I can respect them going gung ho into a faith that made them better in the end and kept them functional for their 2 surviving children. They were only ever pushy about their faith to their kids, not other people, and as my father has since explained, he wants me to believe in SOMETHING. The what/where/who/how is far less important to him. But to believe in nothing, to have no faith in anything at all, is a sure way to end up alone and drowning in despair. Which I do agree with now, at 32 years old. And yes, I do believe in something. Not the ‘God of my father’, but I have faith, nonetheless.
But at the time, they were pretty strict with their raising of me, between the religious stuff and them simply refusing to lose another child to life’s randomness and/or a teenager’s naive decision making skills. Again, I can respect that now that I’m a mother too.
This friend of mine, let’s call him Chuck for the sake of conversation… ;) He wasn’t raised anywhere near the way I was. He had no dad pretty much, mom worked her ass off, his Gramma tried with he & his 2 younger brothers, but he was alone a LOT.
But at 16, we were as close as teens can be (without sex). We dated twice during high school, actually, but that’s a whole second part of this story… (I never slept with him, thank you very much!)
But Chuck asked me “why” I believe in God, and challenged me that I shouldn’t believe in something “just because my parents told me to”.
At the time, (and it’s still true), I responded that my sister had died and I refused to believe she was just rotting away in the ground. To this day, after 32 years, I still feel her with me sometimes, when I need support most and feel most alone, it’s like if I turn around fast enough, I’ll see her standing behind me, helping to hold me up. I literally feel like someone else, her specifically, in the room with me. And there have been times that I am honestly shocked, as logical a being as I am, to NOT find her where I felt her, just outside the bounds of my peripheral vision.
So I answered him, that because of this, and because I do believe this world has some sense of balance to it (given a long enough time line, though, and most aren’t willing to wait that long to believe), that THAT is why I believe in God. NOT because my parents “make” me.
He kept on at me, trying to convince me that there is no God, for years, and for years, I never relented.
Fast forward a decade or so, and now this friend is a pretty “reformed” Christian! Blows me away, that he went from super hard-core-vegan goth rebel who hates any form of authority & you’re a lesser being for submitting to “the man” personality, to this button-up tie-wearing cubicle-working white collar preachy Christian? To me, that’s a pretty big leap, even if it took about a decade to get himself there.
So now, he acts as if nothing I ever say could be coming from an intelligent thought. Even though he suddenly believes in the God of my father, now. He even once denied to my face that he ever didn’t! I gave him what-for on that one! Liar.
But now, with this new change of his, I must be an idiot all of a sudden. Because I disagree with his bigotry of anyone LGBT (heads up to my good friend who fits within that description and knows who I’m referencing here today! DO NOT come out to THIS person EVER or you’ll just get ig’nance back), that because I disagree with his stance that rape victims should be forced to have the baby (and I really, really, really do disagree) cuz all abortion is 100% wrong, that because I disagree with him I must just be some ditzy dumb girl who just believes whatever she reads or is told, who just jumps on any bandwagon with no thought behind it, who doesn’t really care about anything but her own selfish interests now. Funny, because when you ask him why he believes what he now believes, he always ends up quoting his pastor to me… Instead of a real answer. Well, that or he ends up attacking what I said instead of answering my question. Hmmm….
It baffles me that he could assume such things, having known me as long as he has, having respected me for as long as he had.
I cannot tell you how many times, while I was engaged and then married to my husband (it’s been 9 years of marriage next month, we have an amazing daughter and hubbs is still truly the love of my life, not everyone can say that…), that he attempted to convince me that I should leave the man I love for him. That despite him deciding to end both our attempted relationships (IN HIGH SCHOOL) himself, that I should give him one more chance.
I cannot count how many times I heard him say “but the third time is the charm”. I occasionally would reply, sorry hun but it’s not ‘3 strikes you’re out’ with relationships with me, you only get 2 tries and you gave up what you had both times. (I mean, you should have seen how badly he broke my heart the first time, and who he DUMPED ME FOR??!?! Dumbass.)
I’m thinking perhaps he’s angry with me for THAT, for being the one who got away, for being really intelligent and NOT HIS. His blatant animosity towards me peaked when he got serious with the girlfriend he was dating while still begging for me to take him back…
I asked him once if he truly loved her, was passionate to be beside her daily, that kind of thing. Because from the outside looking in, I didn’t see it, but that I believed it could still be there as many people simply don’t make those feelings as public as others do. But that I wanted him to tell me he loved her deeply, and then I would believe it and support them fully (this was back when my opinion mattered to him).
Since that comment, he has pushed me away, hard. He has been argumentative and often times, just plain mean to me. Judging me for assumptions he made, that sort of thing.
And I wonder, did my comment strike a chord, my old friend? Did I say something you really did NOT want to hear, and from someone who knows you & really does care? Or at least, did. Now I see him as this faker, who has two faces depending on the audience or his mood or his setting. I have lost all respect for him, his opinions, even though he is still a highly intelligent human being.
But he’s changed too many times and now I wonder if he even knows who he himself is, since it is so very hard for me to see the real him any more either. Perhaps he has the same problem.
I hold out hope for him, knowing how great he once was. I’m not sure if she is to blame, or it’s just plain him, but either way, I am pretty much just saddened by it all.
I mourn the loss of a good human being in this world, one who could have made this place just a little bit better. And I grieve that I mourn someone who hasn’t even really died. At least not physically.
But I suppose that is the shadowy dark side…
…of change.
Monday, August 27, 2012
no withdrawl without a deposit first
All I wanted was for my girl to have a great birthday party. And I guess from her eyes, it was. It just sucks so hard right now knowing from adult eyes, just how much was shitty about it too.
I guess I just don't get it, how kids so young could find so much JOY in destroying things that belong to another. No wonder kids don't care if they bully another kid into killing themself. We're raising whole generations based on "oh just go buy another on your credit card". What about respect? What about other people's FEELINGS?
You're so busy worrying about what you are entitled to, what someone else owes YOU, that you forget you can't withdraw from a bank account you don't deposit into. We all owe one thing to each other - COEXISTENCE. You are owed nothing by a system you do not yourself feed into.
I spent so much friggin money this weekend, trying to make sure everyone had a great time. I put in hours of effort into decorating & planning & cooking. And I invited people into my HOME. And they trashed my stuff, the things I'd saved up for my GUESTS were destroyed by just a few, in the name of "FUN", and I might have even been stolen from (a present for my CHILD, for pete's sake!)
Really? Is my having you over to my HOME just an excuse for you to forget you had kids & go get drunk & smoke cigarettes? Sorry if you LIE to your children that you smoke, but that doesn't mean you get to just leave them unparented for long enough to go around my 1 acre yard breaking all 40 helium balloons decorating it long before the party ends. Balloons that were going to be sent home with YOUR KIDS as GIFTS for them!
And to go all over my yard doing that much damage must have taken awhile, so where the FUCK WERE YOU?
By the way, they came at my sliding glass door with that giant stick they used to break them all, and you better be damn thankful I stopped them at that point, because that big of a stick would have shattered my door (or another kid's HEAD, hello??). Honestly, I should have let them swing it and bust my door so maybe for once, JUST FOR ONCE, you would have a negative effect on YOU THE PARENT for leaving your kids unattended and cracked out on sugar. You could have paid the hundreds if not a thousand bucks to have that whole glass slider replaced for me. Would that have been worth hiding from your kids for an hour of "relief"?
A birthday party should be FUN. Not destruction.
Even my husband's favorite outdoor game was destroyed by kids, again in the name of "fun". He was really really bummed out when he figured it out the day after. WHY ARE YOU RAISING YOUR KIDS TO FIND JOY IN TAKING THINGS AWAY FROM OTHERS??? What the hell seeds are you planting for the future, here???
Honestly, we'll see if I even HAVE a party for her next year. Or the invite list will vastly change. And I am certainly NOT offering up MY HOME for someone else to break stuff all over it next year. I have the best yard for parties ever. And ya'll gone & ruined it. I feel used. I feel like my child was jipped out of her BIRTHDAY joy. So you could drink another beer & lie to your kids about your nicotine habit & hide from them as if it didn't matter they were parentless and let their horrible behavior be someone else's problem for awhile. Only, they caused enough damage for your short reprieve from them to STILL be effecting me, here, days later. Enjoy that.
But I guess selfish kids come from selfish parents, right? So maybe I should stop letting my child be around those kids, then. For both our sakes. Cuz I'm done.
I guess I just don't get it, how kids so young could find so much JOY in destroying things that belong to another. No wonder kids don't care if they bully another kid into killing themself. We're raising whole generations based on "oh just go buy another on your credit card". What about respect? What about other people's FEELINGS?
You're so busy worrying about what you are entitled to, what someone else owes YOU, that you forget you can't withdraw from a bank account you don't deposit into. We all owe one thing to each other - COEXISTENCE. You are owed nothing by a system you do not yourself feed into.
I spent so much friggin money this weekend, trying to make sure everyone had a great time. I put in hours of effort into decorating & planning & cooking. And I invited people into my HOME. And they trashed my stuff, the things I'd saved up for my GUESTS were destroyed by just a few, in the name of "FUN", and I might have even been stolen from (a present for my CHILD, for pete's sake!)
Really? Is my having you over to my HOME just an excuse for you to forget you had kids & go get drunk & smoke cigarettes? Sorry if you LIE to your children that you smoke, but that doesn't mean you get to just leave them unparented for long enough to go around my 1 acre yard breaking all 40 helium balloons decorating it long before the party ends. Balloons that were going to be sent home with YOUR KIDS as GIFTS for them!
And to go all over my yard doing that much damage must have taken awhile, so where the FUCK WERE YOU?
By the way, they came at my sliding glass door with that giant stick they used to break them all, and you better be damn thankful I stopped them at that point, because that big of a stick would have shattered my door (or another kid's HEAD, hello??). Honestly, I should have let them swing it and bust my door so maybe for once, JUST FOR ONCE, you would have a negative effect on YOU THE PARENT for leaving your kids unattended and cracked out on sugar. You could have paid the hundreds if not a thousand bucks to have that whole glass slider replaced for me. Would that have been worth hiding from your kids for an hour of "relief"?
A birthday party should be FUN. Not destruction.
Even my husband's favorite outdoor game was destroyed by kids, again in the name of "fun". He was really really bummed out when he figured it out the day after. WHY ARE YOU RAISING YOUR KIDS TO FIND JOY IN TAKING THINGS AWAY FROM OTHERS??? What the hell seeds are you planting for the future, here???
Honestly, we'll see if I even HAVE a party for her next year. Or the invite list will vastly change. And I am certainly NOT offering up MY HOME for someone else to break stuff all over it next year. I have the best yard for parties ever. And ya'll gone & ruined it. I feel used. I feel like my child was jipped out of her BIRTHDAY joy. So you could drink another beer & lie to your kids about your nicotine habit & hide from them as if it didn't matter they were parentless and let their horrible behavior be someone else's problem for awhile. Only, they caused enough damage for your short reprieve from them to STILL be effecting me, here, days later. Enjoy that.
But I guess selfish kids come from selfish parents, right? So maybe I should stop letting my child be around those kids, then. For both our sakes. Cuz I'm done.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
denial, motivation & a couple of rainbows thrown in for good measure
So no amazing news this month... I was so looking forward to being pregnant again, even though it's annoying as hell. Now I know what all the sacrifice is really worth, looking at my almost-4-year-old daughter every day. And, like a good American, I want MORE of that. :) But not this time, apparently. Life has other plans for us right now, so it claims. Perhaps she's just giving me a month to get some shit in order. I hope this delay is just a short one, though. I have the baby itch pretty badly!
But I have a lot to figure out just now without that I suppose... My car is so hurtin' and I really need to step up and just invest in something else finally. Jump ship before the boat sinks, as it were. But I hate giant decisions, especially those effecting MONEY, although I can pretty much guarantee I am NOT alone in that!
But I have indeed been feeling slightly more life-motivated these days than normal, so I'm trying to maintain it as long as I can...
We were blessed to be given some furniture by someone more fortunate than us, who can afford all brand new furniture & was just going to give a gorgeous dining room set & bedroom set to Goodwill! All we had to do was pick it up for it to be ours, so of course we did! It took some nagging of the husband and a whole lot of house-reorganization (including getting rid of a whole mess of other furniture in our house that was functional but ugly & old as sin, also hand-me-downs but from close to a decade ago, so really needing replacement) but the house looks far better already!
So now that has motivated me to go through all kinds of other stuff... Emptying junk drawers in the house that just collect random stuff so nothing ever goes where it actually NEEDS to (like into the trash can or out to my husband's shed, already full of do-hockies & thing-a-ma-bobs), to go through clothes that should go to Goodwill to free up bureau & closet space, to go through tupperware that have no matching lids, to go through my entire pantry/storage closet to get rid of anything I possibly can, etc....
I have no idea how long this wave of motivation will last, so I'm just surfing it the best I can while I can. I even brought a giant bin of memories up from my basement to see what I can get rid of (or now display in my "new" hutch!). I had forgotten that I have a couple really nice knick-knacks that I received as wedding gifts that I'd just wrapped up & stored away since there was never a safe place to display it until now. (Waterford Crystal, baby!!)
So I guess I'll just have to wait for now, and live vicariously through friends with babies or about to burst... (sigh) But I'd love to have something new to talk about with my sister (instead of her latest boy blunder or life explosion o' drama), I'd love to have something to really look forward to & to keep me motivated getting things done... There's nothing like needing to plan for the arrival of a baby to get your ass in gear, let me tell ya! :) They call it "nesting" but really it's just "OMG get shit done while you still CAN!" prep. :)
In the meantime, work is work, they call it work cuz it's never fun, but it's tolerable enough to get paid and I do with with mostly good people. One coworker in particular drives me absolutely batty, but she's well intentioned so what can you do, right? It's virtually impossible to find anything to do where you like everyone you do it with, at least from my experience. But people here say "thank you" and "good morning" and ask about your kids now and then, which isn't always the norm. Now & then my boss brings me some random dessert from his lunch out, or a coworker offers me a toy for my kid that was their kid's toy but has been grown out of... So mostly generous folks, so I guess I'll stay a bit...
I always fear the "what if" though, what if someone offered me something else tomorrow? Would my friend who got me this job suffer somehow for that? What if I did get pregnant next month, and I tell my boss only to have him flip out or try to deny maternity or eff me over somehow for it? What if I mess something up so badly that it ruins anything good I've done to date? But then there are the good what if's. What if my husband found a job like one he's had in the past, that did indeed financially allow me to leave my job and focus on raising our daughter for almost two full years? What if we won the lotto tomorrow? ;) Oh those 'what if's always jumping in when you want them the least. :)
But this weekend is my baby's 4th birthday so I guess today I should just focus there. My best friend from college is coming from the Cape, to stay all weekend with her daughter (a year younger than mine) to help with the party & to just plain visit. I'm pretty excited. The "theme" of the party is Rainbows, so I've been making tissue paper flowers (woohoo for being a daycamp counselor all those years, I'm good with random cheap crafts that look way more awesome than they were hard to make) in each color for decorations, as well as paper rainbows to hang from our ceilings. Here are images from the interweb that are similar, so you can see what I've been doing! :D
And aren't these COOL?
Ok I'll leave it at that. Gotta job to do... Til next time...
But I have a lot to figure out just now without that I suppose... My car is so hurtin' and I really need to step up and just invest in something else finally. Jump ship before the boat sinks, as it were. But I hate giant decisions, especially those effecting MONEY, although I can pretty much guarantee I am NOT alone in that!
But I have indeed been feeling slightly more life-motivated these days than normal, so I'm trying to maintain it as long as I can...
We were blessed to be given some furniture by someone more fortunate than us, who can afford all brand new furniture & was just going to give a gorgeous dining room set & bedroom set to Goodwill! All we had to do was pick it up for it to be ours, so of course we did! It took some nagging of the husband and a whole lot of house-reorganization (including getting rid of a whole mess of other furniture in our house that was functional but ugly & old as sin, also hand-me-downs but from close to a decade ago, so really needing replacement) but the house looks far better already!
So now that has motivated me to go through all kinds of other stuff... Emptying junk drawers in the house that just collect random stuff so nothing ever goes where it actually NEEDS to (like into the trash can or out to my husband's shed, already full of do-hockies & thing-a-ma-bobs), to go through clothes that should go to Goodwill to free up bureau & closet space, to go through tupperware that have no matching lids, to go through my entire pantry/storage closet to get rid of anything I possibly can, etc....
I have no idea how long this wave of motivation will last, so I'm just surfing it the best I can while I can. I even brought a giant bin of memories up from my basement to see what I can get rid of (or now display in my "new" hutch!). I had forgotten that I have a couple really nice knick-knacks that I received as wedding gifts that I'd just wrapped up & stored away since there was never a safe place to display it until now. (Waterford Crystal, baby!!)
So I guess I'll just have to wait for now, and live vicariously through friends with babies or about to burst... (sigh) But I'd love to have something new to talk about with my sister (instead of her latest boy blunder or life explosion o' drama), I'd love to have something to really look forward to & to keep me motivated getting things done... There's nothing like needing to plan for the arrival of a baby to get your ass in gear, let me tell ya! :) They call it "nesting" but really it's just "OMG get shit done while you still CAN!" prep. :)
In the meantime, work is work, they call it work cuz it's never fun, but it's tolerable enough to get paid and I do with with mostly good people. One coworker in particular drives me absolutely batty, but she's well intentioned so what can you do, right? It's virtually impossible to find anything to do where you like everyone you do it with, at least from my experience. But people here say "thank you" and "good morning" and ask about your kids now and then, which isn't always the norm. Now & then my boss brings me some random dessert from his lunch out, or a coworker offers me a toy for my kid that was their kid's toy but has been grown out of... So mostly generous folks, so I guess I'll stay a bit...
I always fear the "what if" though, what if someone offered me something else tomorrow? Would my friend who got me this job suffer somehow for that? What if I did get pregnant next month, and I tell my boss only to have him flip out or try to deny maternity or eff me over somehow for it? What if I mess something up so badly that it ruins anything good I've done to date? But then there are the good what if's. What if my husband found a job like one he's had in the past, that did indeed financially allow me to leave my job and focus on raising our daughter for almost two full years? What if we won the lotto tomorrow? ;) Oh those 'what if's always jumping in when you want them the least. :)
But this weekend is my baby's 4th birthday so I guess today I should just focus there. My best friend from college is coming from the Cape, to stay all weekend with her daughter (a year younger than mine) to help with the party & to just plain visit. I'm pretty excited. The "theme" of the party is Rainbows, so I've been making tissue paper flowers (woohoo for being a daycamp counselor all those years, I'm good with random cheap crafts that look way more awesome than they were hard to make) in each color for decorations, as well as paper rainbows to hang from our ceilings. Here are images from the interweb that are similar, so you can see what I've been doing! :D
And aren't these COOL?
Ok I'll leave it at that. Gotta job to do... Til next time...
Friday, August 17, 2012
to stop... that i may begin
inspiration has been failing me, and so i wonder, have i not been listening correctly? usually when it suddenly stops, it's because i have tried to usurp control over something that is meant to use me, not vice versa. usually because i try to control something that is created and born of chaos and imagery and symbolism and metaphor, and here i am trying to give it concrete word and form and grammar. here i am demanding of it dialogue and punctuation. and so i ask in what way i may change to be more open to the metaphor of meaning, the metaphor that is the ebb and flow of my life's tidal phases? i ask to stop, so that i may yet again begin.
All This And Heaven Too
by Florence + The Machine:
"And the heart is hard to translate,
It has a language of its own,
It talks in tongues and quiet sighs and prayers and proclamations,
In the grand days of great men and the smallest of gestures,
In short shallow gasps!
But with all my education,
I can't seem to command it,
And the words are all escaping me,
And coming back all damaged,
And I would put them back in poetry,
If I only knew how,
I can't seem to understand it,
And I would give all this and heaven too,
I would give it all if only for a moment,
That I could just understand the meaning of the word you see,
'Cause I've been scrawling it forever,
But it never makes sense to me at all.
And it talks to me in tiptoes,
And sings to me inside,
It cries out in the darkest night,
And breaks in morning light.
But with all my education,
I can't seem to command it,
And the words are all escaping,
And coming back all damaged,
And I would put them back in poetry,
If I only knew how,
I can't seem to understand it,
And I would give all this and heaven too,
I would give it all if only for a moment,
That I could just understand the meaning of the word you see,
'Cause I've been scrawling it forever,
But it never makes sense to me at all.
No, words are a language,
It doesn't deserve such treatment,
And all my stumbling phrases,
Never amounted to anything worth this feeling,
All this heaven,
Never could describe such a feeling as I'm having,
Words were never so useful,
So I was screaming out a language that I never knew existed before."
All This And Heaven Too
by Florence + The Machine:
"And the heart is hard to translate,
It has a language of its own,
It talks in tongues and quiet sighs and prayers and proclamations,
In the grand days of great men and the smallest of gestures,
In short shallow gasps!
But with all my education,
I can't seem to command it,
And the words are all escaping me,
And coming back all damaged,
And I would put them back in poetry,
If I only knew how,
I can't seem to understand it,
And I would give all this and heaven too,
I would give it all if only for a moment,
That I could just understand the meaning of the word you see,
'Cause I've been scrawling it forever,
But it never makes sense to me at all.
And it talks to me in tiptoes,
And sings to me inside,
It cries out in the darkest night,
And breaks in morning light.
But with all my education,
I can't seem to command it,
And the words are all escaping,
And coming back all damaged,
And I would put them back in poetry,
If I only knew how,
I can't seem to understand it,
And I would give all this and heaven too,
I would give it all if only for a moment,
That I could just understand the meaning of the word you see,
'Cause I've been scrawling it forever,
But it never makes sense to me at all.
No, words are a language,
It doesn't deserve such treatment,
And all my stumbling phrases,
Never amounted to anything worth this feeling,
All this heaven,
Never could describe such a feeling as I'm having,
Words were never so useful,
So I was screaming out a language that I never knew existed before."
Monday, August 13, 2012
surreal cereal bowls of clouded sun
for all I know you're in there now
for all I know you're not
it is in this waiting, this
anticipating
it gets to me every time.
the two week drag
between knowing and un
'tween fantasy and fun
surreal cereal bowls
of clouded sun.
i really wish
i wish i knew
if your kiss can
be my new dish
or is it much too soon?
oh the things we want
so badly very bad
they end up owning us
even if we never had
but in that way
i'm ok to pray
for wanting but more love
in every breath of my air.
i really hope
you're in there.
for all I know you're not
it is in this waiting, this
anticipating
it gets to me every time.
the two week drag
between knowing and un
'tween fantasy and fun
surreal cereal bowls
of clouded sun.
i really wish
i wish i knew
if your kiss can
be my new dish
or is it much too soon?
oh the things we want
so badly very bad
they end up owning us
even if we never had
but in that way
i'm ok to pray
for wanting but more love
in every breath of my air.
i really hope
you're in there.
Friday, August 10, 2012
a blessed loser
I'm not sure what I'm feeling. So when I feel that I think to write. But then I doubt myself, and then deny. But today I'm just going to do, not doubt.
I feel like the most blessed person in the world. And yet I feel like the biggest loser too.
Blessed:
Yesterday I almost died. I came around a narrow curve and there was a car in my lane coming straight at me. He'd been trying to pass another on-coming car. I still can't figure out how we didn't hit, not at all, and how I didn't flip my car trying to avoid his. I feel protected after that.
And because of it, my husband went off last night about how if that guy had indeed killed his whole family (my daughter was in the car) he'd have brought a gun into the courtroom & shot the guy dead. He wouldn't care what happened to him after, since everything he loved was already gone. Then he got teary & told me that I'm still the best decision he's ever made in his life. Then we tried to make us another baby. ;)
Loser:
I don't know what's up with my thoughts lately, but every word I say I feel like someone is criticizing it, or it's not good enough, or it was the wrong thing to say, or someone rolled their eyes at my comments. Every choice I make, my brain bashes later for one reason or another. Every person I interact with must think I'm crazy, or think I share too much, or that I'm an idiot for finding joy in something so foolish, or that I am just too young & naive simply because I try to not become jaded the way they have or in the areas that they have.
Why am I seeing myself so critically? I know what certain people who care about me would say. That I'm wrong, and I'm great, and they need me and love me. And yet, on days like this, knowledge like that isn't really helping.
And so I just keep holding on to my husband's words last night. He's the one who counts most, right? He's the one I chose to be around day in and day out, to talk to multiple times every single day, to wake up to and fall asleep beside, who's hand I want to hold 86,927,432.77 times in my life. ;)
He's my inspiration, my strength, my biggest pet peeve and my most vocal supporter. He grounds me when my head is in the clouds, he holds me up when I'm weak. But he also drives me absolutely crazy, as any good roommate would. As anyone who really really knows me would. Because I allow myself to be vulnerable to him, as part of my trust in him. Sometimes I want to smack him, sometimes I want to have a thousand of his children, I guess it all depends on what kind of day we each are having.
Interesting that I was so desperately unsure what to write about today, in my quest to find some sense of balance within this "I am a blessed loser" battle within me, that is exhausting me in all ways. And interesting that I ended up going on and on about my husband instead. And how much I love him. And I guess that answers my debate.
He & I both got a glimpse of how short our time together could be, if life wanted it to be short. And he & I both saw a truth, and blessed be that it was the same truth for us both. That what we have is a gift. So I'm going to try to hold onto that above all today.
Now watch, he'll probably be some stinker tonight now that I've raved about how great he is... ;) He always seems to know when I've bragged about him, and then proves me wrong. hahaaa :) But he's mine, and I am his. And we have our daughter, and maybe another kid will come. Our little family is the greatest blessing of all.
I guess I should stop worrying about other people thinking I'm a loser, since my family alone makes me the biggest winner.
I feel like the most blessed person in the world. And yet I feel like the biggest loser too.
Blessed:
Yesterday I almost died. I came around a narrow curve and there was a car in my lane coming straight at me. He'd been trying to pass another on-coming car. I still can't figure out how we didn't hit, not at all, and how I didn't flip my car trying to avoid his. I feel protected after that.
And because of it, my husband went off last night about how if that guy had indeed killed his whole family (my daughter was in the car) he'd have brought a gun into the courtroom & shot the guy dead. He wouldn't care what happened to him after, since everything he loved was already gone. Then he got teary & told me that I'm still the best decision he's ever made in his life. Then we tried to make us another baby. ;)
Loser:
I don't know what's up with my thoughts lately, but every word I say I feel like someone is criticizing it, or it's not good enough, or it was the wrong thing to say, or someone rolled their eyes at my comments. Every choice I make, my brain bashes later for one reason or another. Every person I interact with must think I'm crazy, or think I share too much, or that I'm an idiot for finding joy in something so foolish, or that I am just too young & naive simply because I try to not become jaded the way they have or in the areas that they have.
Why am I seeing myself so critically? I know what certain people who care about me would say. That I'm wrong, and I'm great, and they need me and love me. And yet, on days like this, knowledge like that isn't really helping.
And so I just keep holding on to my husband's words last night. He's the one who counts most, right? He's the one I chose to be around day in and day out, to talk to multiple times every single day, to wake up to and fall asleep beside, who's hand I want to hold 86,927,432.77 times in my life. ;)
He's my inspiration, my strength, my biggest pet peeve and my most vocal supporter. He grounds me when my head is in the clouds, he holds me up when I'm weak. But he also drives me absolutely crazy, as any good roommate would. As anyone who really really knows me would. Because I allow myself to be vulnerable to him, as part of my trust in him. Sometimes I want to smack him, sometimes I want to have a thousand of his children, I guess it all depends on what kind of day we each are having.
Interesting that I was so desperately unsure what to write about today, in my quest to find some sense of balance within this "I am a blessed loser" battle within me, that is exhausting me in all ways. And interesting that I ended up going on and on about my husband instead. And how much I love him. And I guess that answers my debate.
He & I both got a glimpse of how short our time together could be, if life wanted it to be short. And he & I both saw a truth, and blessed be that it was the same truth for us both. That what we have is a gift. So I'm going to try to hold onto that above all today.
Now watch, he'll probably be some stinker tonight now that I've raved about how great he is... ;) He always seems to know when I've bragged about him, and then proves me wrong. hahaaa :) But he's mine, and I am his. And we have our daughter, and maybe another kid will come. Our little family is the greatest blessing of all.
I guess I should stop worrying about other people thinking I'm a loser, since my family alone makes me the biggest winner.
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