I am so overwhelmed by such double standards. You speak, I listen. You complain, I try to console. Things you ramble on about often mean nothing to me and it is a waste of my precious little time to nod & smile as you go on for days about how you are the victim.
But I do, because I feel it would be unkind of me to not. That I would be rude or hurting feelings if I did not participate in the occasional banter.
And yet when I speak, regardless of it being a reply to things you say or a whole new topic, you act as if you are too important to waste your time on me. That any opinion I have is invalid simply because I am not you. You dismiss things I know for fact to be true, simply because you were not taught that. But if we each studied completely different things, and I would consider information you have that I was not taught as likely to be correct, since that was your life goal to study it, then why on earth would you just assume I'm an idiot about anything I spent good money to learn and what I now earn good money to use daily in my life?
Why is it ok for you to treat me so much less than you expect to be treated? Ever consider this is why your life is so unhappy and why your eyes turn green with even one glance at my happy little family photo? Why you seem so unsure and so much you do is simply a reaction to your own self esteem issues? I am tired of this game. This game I play with so very many, and each in their own way.
If you tell me you're so glad I'm in your life and tell me how wise I am when you are at your lowest and need me most, how can you then come back later and tell me how naive I am simply because you have no use of me in that moment.
What ever happened to being kind to each other and treating others the way you'd want to be treated? To not doing something or saying something to another that you yourself would find hurtful or unkind or disrespectful?
Simply because we are told we are unique, that we are each beautiful and deserving of everything we have potential for, that we need to "be ourselves" and be true to our inner voices, that does not give you the right to behave however you'd like. That does not mean that you can use someone else and then dismiss them like a servant.
It means be a servant to all and in that serving you will find your true self, your power, your happiness and earn respect from those around you. It means taking care of those who cannot take care of themselves, so that you will be taken care of in your own moment of inability or falling. It means simply be kind, for those around you are fighting battles in their own lives or own souls that you have no idea they are fighting, so who are you to judge shoes you yourself have never even tried on, let alone worn around for a bit.
It means dealing with the fact that you are not the single most important thing in your own life. Even our ancestors thought the sun revolved around the earth. Perhaps we are still all learning that life lesson, just in a newer form. Perhaps, we never will.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
step up, damnit.
Little do you know, but your child will soon open up to you. Open up in a way you can't even imagine. And now is your time. It's your time to prove how unconditional the love of a parent can be. Now is your time to step up.
I worry that you will disappoint him. That you will be unwilling to see past yourself. That you will turn everything into how it relates to you. What will others think, of you. What stress will this add, to your life. And that saddens me, and I hope more for you, tentatively.
I hope that you saw but did not say. That you felt but did not push. That you know but are simply waiting for lips other than your own to speak the truth that has existed this whole time.
I hope you can live up to the amazingness that is within your child. I hope that your child finds strength in you, and is not forced to see your weaknesses.
Step up, damnit.
I worry that you will disappoint him. That you will be unwilling to see past yourself. That you will turn everything into how it relates to you. What will others think, of you. What stress will this add, to your life. And that saddens me, and I hope more for you, tentatively.
I hope that you saw but did not say. That you felt but did not push. That you know but are simply waiting for lips other than your own to speak the truth that has existed this whole time.
I hope you can live up to the amazingness that is within your child. I hope that your child finds strength in you, and is not forced to see your weaknesses.
Step up, damnit.
blood of my blood
I woke up this morning to seven, yes SEVEN, text messages from probably my single best friend in the world.
She thanked me for always listening, for walking with her, beside her, in front or behind, but always together.
She reminded me that I am always with her and she with me, no matter what, we are never alone.
She said that because she has me, she'll always be on top.
And that she was sending her strength to me at that single moment in time, but offered me no reason why. Simply knowing that I would know the "why" without needing her words to define it.
Why is because she can see without even opening her eyes.
Why is because she can read without ever seeing a single serif, without a single true word, she can read between my lines.
Why is because she knows me better than I know myself.
Why is because she can feel my intonations, my unique connotations,
why I pick the words I do, why I order them, rhyme them or simply deny them.
Why is because she knows when there are tears beyond dry eyes and quiet lashes.
Why is because she is my sister, my blood,
my sweat and my tears, my smiles and joys, my pain and my pride.
Why is because
she cares.
We were made to go together like Marley & Reggae baby. I know you are not a believer, but you are part of the reason I have any faith in God, because no one but God could give me the gift of you & your love.
I thank you deeper than any ocean, for knowing me and loving me and walking beside me every single day. For seeing past what I show simply because you just know.
This onion-layered girl loves you to the core of my core. You are the blood of my blood, the moon of my stars. xo
She thanked me for always listening, for walking with her, beside her, in front or behind, but always together.
She reminded me that I am always with her and she with me, no matter what, we are never alone.
She said that because she has me, she'll always be on top.
And that she was sending her strength to me at that single moment in time, but offered me no reason why. Simply knowing that I would know the "why" without needing her words to define it.
Why is because she can see without even opening her eyes.
Why is because she can read without ever seeing a single serif, without a single true word, she can read between my lines.
Why is because she knows me better than I know myself.
Why is because she can feel my intonations, my unique connotations,
why I pick the words I do, why I order them, rhyme them or simply deny them.
Why is because she knows when there are tears beyond dry eyes and quiet lashes.
Why is because she is my sister, my blood,
my sweat and my tears, my smiles and joys, my pain and my pride.
Why is because
she cares.
We were made to go together like Marley & Reggae baby. I know you are not a believer, but you are part of the reason I have any faith in God, because no one but God could give me the gift of you & your love.
I thank you deeper than any ocean, for knowing me and loving me and walking beside me every single day. For seeing past what I show simply because you just know.
This onion-layered girl loves you to the core of my core. You are the blood of my blood, the moon of my stars. xo
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
my pretty little formulaic rhythm
There are the days I feel on top of the world. I have the best husband and daughter a woman could ask for. My parents are alive and healthy, still mostly happily married, working part time despite their retirement and traveling all over the place.
My family has a roof overhead, heat in the winters, cool air in the summers, food in a fridge and fairly clean water for drinking. I have friends for whom I care deeply and seem to care for me as well. I have an unconditionally loving dog to greet me every night, I am able to see the sun with my own eyes and feel it's light and heat warm my skin, and I am healthy enough to work and walk and sing and play.
Other days I feel like the gum beneath someone's shoe, stepped on and stretched too far. Stuck, unstable and precarious, knowing I could be tossed aside in a heartbeat at the moment someone notices my presence. Some days feel useless, some feel heartless, some feel numb and some just ironically harsh.
What I am trying to do is put all these days into one basket, my life. How to balance and reconcile so many days, so different and so fierce, into one sweet bank rec on a computer full of numbers and codes. But life won't let me. Too many viruses on that computer, too many variables effecting my pretty little formulaic rhythm. Perhaps that's why I obsess over things like Phi...
http://www.goldennumber.net/
http://www.natures-word.com/sacred-geometry/phi-the-golden-proportion/phi-the-golden-proportion-in-nature
Today, I guess today can be described by just plain out of sorts, out of energy, out of patience, feeling disconnected to all, feeling alone yet responsible to those who in any way depend on me despite feeling like I'm about to drop everything I'm trying to juggle with them or for them if even one drop of rain should add to my baggage.
I wonder how much of this is hormonal, if, when I hit certain days of my cycle, I will just get "down" and need to anticipate that better.
Or what if I am effected by the turns of the earth, the phases of the moon, the flares of the sun, or the alignment of planets I cannot see with my fallible human eyes?
What if I am somehow in a place I was not supposed to be at? What if I am picking up and feeling the fears and disconnections of people with whom I am closely tied? What if this is all I'll ever be?
It's funny how many people tell me their feelings & thoughts and simply assume they are and will always be alone in those thoughts or feelings. To hear "you are not alone" has such differing reactions. Some are offended that they are somehow no longer "unique" in their pain, and try to compete as if their pain is more valid, is worse, or should be held in higher regard somehow. Others suddenly gain relief, to not be alone means this too shall pass, or someone out there might understand, or in some way get hope from those words. Some people deny that anyone could possibly understand, as if they must be alone simply because they are who they are, as if we are not all human, we are not all emotional and self conscious every single day, as if we don't all judge ourselves or question the things we are told or feel or know to be true.
I know that I am not alone, in oh so many ways. I have my sweet little family, my extended blood family, I have my "Famylie" (a group of very close friends with whom I have spent years creating a new family, a family of choice, a family of coexistance and non judgementalism, a family of love where many had no family at all) and most importantly, I have my faith.
Trust me, it's not your faith or any faith you've ever heard of before. It's a faith based on years of personal searching, of intimate introspective debates, of evolutionary decades of life each different in its discoveries and travels, a faith tailored to only fit me. My higher power speaks to me in words no one else could understand, but speak she does, not when I ask her to, but when I need it most. My higher power has nothing to do with your God. She may have some things in common, but she is not "God" as our society defines her in any way. And she is mine, and I am hers.
I do highly recommend to you that you find your higher power, it need not have a name, it need not have a face or a definition. But to have something to believe in that is larger than yourself, something that can never die, that you never need fear of leaving, something that is wishing the best for you and believes in you when you find it impossible to believe in yourself or anything else, THAT is what faith provides.
Religion lost it's purpose along the way, and so we are forced to re-find that something for ourselves, to save ourselves.
I wonder what Jesus would say about each of us becoming our own saviors. I personally think he'd adore the idea. But that's just MY faith talking. And it's ok if yours isn't mine. As long as it works for YOU.
PS how did this post evolve so randomly? I'll take it.
My family has a roof overhead, heat in the winters, cool air in the summers, food in a fridge and fairly clean water for drinking. I have friends for whom I care deeply and seem to care for me as well. I have an unconditionally loving dog to greet me every night, I am able to see the sun with my own eyes and feel it's light and heat warm my skin, and I am healthy enough to work and walk and sing and play.
Other days I feel like the gum beneath someone's shoe, stepped on and stretched too far. Stuck, unstable and precarious, knowing I could be tossed aside in a heartbeat at the moment someone notices my presence. Some days feel useless, some feel heartless, some feel numb and some just ironically harsh.
What I am trying to do is put all these days into one basket, my life. How to balance and reconcile so many days, so different and so fierce, into one sweet bank rec on a computer full of numbers and codes. But life won't let me. Too many viruses on that computer, too many variables effecting my pretty little formulaic rhythm. Perhaps that's why I obsess over things like Phi...
http://www.goldennumber.net/
http://www.natures-word.com/sacred-geometry/phi-the-golden-proportion/phi-the-golden-proportion-in-nature
Today, I guess today can be described by just plain out of sorts, out of energy, out of patience, feeling disconnected to all, feeling alone yet responsible to those who in any way depend on me despite feeling like I'm about to drop everything I'm trying to juggle with them or for them if even one drop of rain should add to my baggage.
I wonder how much of this is hormonal, if, when I hit certain days of my cycle, I will just get "down" and need to anticipate that better.
Or what if I am effected by the turns of the earth, the phases of the moon, the flares of the sun, or the alignment of planets I cannot see with my fallible human eyes?
What if I am somehow in a place I was not supposed to be at? What if I am picking up and feeling the fears and disconnections of people with whom I am closely tied? What if this is all I'll ever be?
It's funny how many people tell me their feelings & thoughts and simply assume they are and will always be alone in those thoughts or feelings. To hear "you are not alone" has such differing reactions. Some are offended that they are somehow no longer "unique" in their pain, and try to compete as if their pain is more valid, is worse, or should be held in higher regard somehow. Others suddenly gain relief, to not be alone means this too shall pass, or someone out there might understand, or in some way get hope from those words. Some people deny that anyone could possibly understand, as if they must be alone simply because they are who they are, as if we are not all human, we are not all emotional and self conscious every single day, as if we don't all judge ourselves or question the things we are told or feel or know to be true.
I know that I am not alone, in oh so many ways. I have my sweet little family, my extended blood family, I have my "Famylie" (a group of very close friends with whom I have spent years creating a new family, a family of choice, a family of coexistance and non judgementalism, a family of love where many had no family at all) and most importantly, I have my faith.
Trust me, it's not your faith or any faith you've ever heard of before. It's a faith based on years of personal searching, of intimate introspective debates, of evolutionary decades of life each different in its discoveries and travels, a faith tailored to only fit me. My higher power speaks to me in words no one else could understand, but speak she does, not when I ask her to, but when I need it most. My higher power has nothing to do with your God. She may have some things in common, but she is not "God" as our society defines her in any way. And she is mine, and I am hers.
I do highly recommend to you that you find your higher power, it need not have a name, it need not have a face or a definition. But to have something to believe in that is larger than yourself, something that can never die, that you never need fear of leaving, something that is wishing the best for you and believes in you when you find it impossible to believe in yourself or anything else, THAT is what faith provides.
Religion lost it's purpose along the way, and so we are forced to re-find that something for ourselves, to save ourselves.
I wonder what Jesus would say about each of us becoming our own saviors. I personally think he'd adore the idea. But that's just MY faith talking. And it's ok if yours isn't mine. As long as it works for YOU.
PS how did this post evolve so randomly? I'll take it.
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