listen to the secrets
silence
is screaming to share.

a better day growing

fill my head with wonder and fancy
fly me away for awhile
fill my eyes with fiction and phonics
as dawn threatens her smile

in frightening forests
of clouds of raw cotton
cold wars of misery
& masters of wizardry
landscape of words
near never forgotten

fly me away
from these worries of day
such that my sleep
be no more a dream

and perhaps in the waking
shape could be taking
a better day growing
might seem.

Jabberish

Every so often, I write something in poem form with no meaning, just sounds. Cool words that sound melodic together, in whatever way my brain wants to purge them. I find it highly therapeutic and it often inspires more words to flow, if I begin with something like this when I first sit down to write. I dare you to read this one 3 times fast. ;)

torn asunder thunder
Mai Tai movie deals
perennial piranha's
prey on slowest eels
fantail farder freeing
feigning fleeting feet
igneous ignoramus
slinging slabs of sleet.

oh, and a separate little one-liner for you, out of a whole poem of CRAP that's not worth posting....

"prattling din
omission's sin
in hot air bags
of skin."

why we have friends.

"A narcissist and a sociopath walk into a bar..." Can we write this joke? So I can laugh about the insanity that's been thrown into my life cuz of family. This is why we have FRIENDS.

Let's just call him "Al".

My sister has been seeing this married guy who's seriously a crazy person (let's call him Al, for the sake of this post). Al got angry at her son once (7 yrs old) and carried him out of the house by his arm. He could have pulled the kid's shoulder out of socket easily. She threw him out for it, but took him back later. She's broken up with Al many times because he won't leave his wife, but she always takes him back. Al is a fireman and has high security clearance at a military base, and because she's in serious debt, Al informed her that his boss was going to begin a federal investigation of her. Apparently because the boss knew she & Al were sleeping together, this could compromise Al's security clearance. He could one day decide to sell government secrets to the highest bidder to pay off her debt. So he said. So she gave Al her social security number, because he asked for it. No one called her and she got no documentation saying she was under federal investigation, Al just said so and she believed him, got all scared & gave away her identity to this crazy person. Probably not the wisest choice. So that whole situation just faded away somehow and life went on. Every time my sister gets back together with Al, she vanishes from my life again for weeks or even months. She knows I don't approve and only comes to me when she wants me to support her leaving him again, or listen to her vent about his latest antics. Then recently, she posted on FACEBOOK of all places, that Al was waving a loaded shotgun in her FACE. After much prodding, the "truth" of the whole situation seemed to be that she went to his house (she was probably intoxicated somewhat, if I had to guess) and caused a big scene. Screaming at him, etc. His wife too, was home. My sister was told to leave many times, and refused. Now, if I were him, I'd have called the police at that point, or carried her out of my house, since he's very tall & strongly built, and she's tiny! But no, he went and got his shotgun, loaded it in front of her, waved it around and told her he could blow her brains out right here and now if he wanted to. Oh, and by the way, he was drunk. She tried to play this new insanity off like it was no big deal, but the friends and family of Facebook, thank God, would have none of that. She was basically peer-pressured into reporting him & filing for a restraining order, which she was granted. Because they'd been sleeping together for an extended period of time (regardless of him being married, living primarily at his wife's house, etc) the cops considered the situation domestic violence. Therefore, her choice to press charges or not later on was taken from her hands. Once reported, the police run with the complaint even if she backs down later and tells them not to. His guns were taken from him, as well as any permits he had to own firearms. I am not privy to if anything happened in regards to his job or security clearance there in relation to these criminal charges. And the restraining order was granted. Al (or someone acting like him) tried to contact her via Facebook. She told the police who then warned him to stop. So last night she calls & leaves me a bizarre voice mail. (I was sleeping and got it this morning) Someone texted her phone (from his WIFE'S PHONE, fishy....) saying Al left a note in her shed (on her home's property). She assumed Al sent the text himself. She could not find said note but called the police. The police did find the note, in her shed. It looked to be from Al & said he wanted to marry her, among other things. They arrested Al. This new situation sounds fishy as hell to me! If you were the wife, and knew your husband kept having this on-again off-again affair with some woman he knew from high school (Al & my sister first dated in college), and this woman showed up at your home freaking out in front of you, to the point your husband pulled out his gun, and then had the police brought in and all that nonsense, and then had a restraining order against him and everything, wouldn't you maybe be angry? Wouldn't you maybe want him out of your house, but if he's the type to pull out guns when drunk and confronted with girlfriend drama, you might be scared of him... What better way to get him out of your life once and for all, without actually standing up to him or ever being blamed for kicking him out, than setting him up to be arrested? I don't know, but I do know women who would be fully capable of this kind of ploy, and would do it guilt free if they were handed this exact situation. But back to it. So now my sister is regretting her choice to file for the restraining order, wishing she could just hold Al in her arms again because she "loves him". She's upset & crying & can't seem to rectify that they aren't meant to be, no matter how insane the situations keep getting, even though criminal charges are swimming around them, even tho he's physically threatened not only her, but also one of her kids. She seems to not care that she should be focusing on how her kids are dealing with the fact that she left their father for Al to begin with. That maybe they need their MOM. She's been flipping out on family members who won't support her "enough" through this, to whatever extent she seems to think she's entitled. And the only ones in all this who are faultless are her & Al. It leaves me drained, confused, and wanting to "destroy something beautiful", to quote Fight Club. It's odd to be SO angry yet so worn out and yet so worried all in one millisecond. It feels like I'm in a giant pool of water, that's churning viciously around me, sucking at my legs to pull me under. And I see her standing by the edge of the pool, holding a stick that could reach me to save me. And yet, she's looking away, playing with her hair. Waiting for someone else, even though she hears my cries for help. I feel myself slipping under, and can see her warped image, still on the edge, safe and able to come to my aid, but not noticing anything but herself, her own waiting, her own impatience, my drowning not even on her radar. But then, in this waking dream I can see, my instincts show me there is more to this scene at the pool and my drowning. As I sit with the image, I feel it change. I see her, from below the clear water, and then feel myself pulled upwards and backwards swiftly. I feel the cold water part behind me, and feel the arm around my waist, though I have no idea how it got there. I turn over my shoulder (turning over my shoulder is a weighted image to me, I've had many dreams were that feeling was massively important) and see. I see them. One holding me, barely staying above water himself, holding a thick rope in his other hand. The rope pulls us both to the opposite shore that my sister is on. Pulling the rope are my women, my sisters of the extreme, the family I chose instead of the one I was given. They are pulling with all their might, with no question in their eyes as to whether or not they will be able to save me, with no question as to whether or not they should. They are fierce, they are strong, they are flawless in their might and unstoppable in their determination for one thing - me. The arm around me is the non biological brother I had lost, without truly knowing his loss until he was refound. He leapt into the heaving freezing water, trusting the women on shore to save us both once he'd ensnared me in his arms of protective aid. They pull, together, one goal, one soul, one love. Once the two wet bodies are safe on land, all eyes turn to the woman across the shore, still holding the stick that could have saved, but didn't. All eyes rest on her lack of notice, still. With all the grunting and "Pull! Pull!" to unite the strength of those who saved me, she is still waiting for another to come over the rise, still playing with her hair, until that arrival. We let her wait. My Family lifts me to my feet, wraps me in warm dry comforting blankets, and walks, one on every side of my weakened body to catch me should I yet again fall, and we turn away from the pool. We leave the despair, and the woman, and go back to our path to travel, together. For you, my friends, I will hold on. But only for you.

priorities

the things people choose to make their priorities will never cease to amaze me.

Hello, March.

I'm most definitely "in transition", as my former coworkers & affiliates at the Spiritual Life Center (West Hartford, CT, www.spiritlifectr.org) would say. My life is in transit, and change is a hard pill to swallow. But I'm getting better at it the older I get I guess... I quit smoking on Feb. 2nd, using the patch. I stopped putting on the patch Feb. 21st. So I'm over a week 100% nicotine free. I've also been sick pretty much all of February. Horrible sore throat thing for 3-4 days, then a day or two reprieve, then a vicious chest cold for a good two weeks or so. So I've been getting healthier for just under a week, slow & steady. I'm also taking a lot more vitamins now. D3 because my body stopped making it after I gave birth to my daughter (now 3 1/2 yrs old) and it causes tremendous joint pain & emotional instability within me to be out of it now, B12 for memory & brain function (new job needs good brain stuff!), Zinc because I keep getting sick (my daughter brings everything home from nursery school... esp the germs), Folic Acid because my OBGYN said I have to take it if we're not on a consistent form of birth control (I'll get to that part...), & B6 to stabilize my mood when my hormones get crazy. So that's a lot of change & stuff for one body to deal with in one month. And I have 2 female friends who have seriously dominent hormones who throw off my monthly female cycle when I see them at certain points of their cycles, who've caused my period to come early the past 2 months now. So in the past, something like an external influence causing my period to change it's normal comings & goings, is usually adjusted for by the body & my body clock readjusts to the new setting, instead of trying to go back to how it was the month or two before. So with all this going on, I really wasn't surprised when my period, due Feb. 18th, didn't show up on time. I'm calling 2/18 the date it was due using the assumption that my clock would reset itself to the adjusted cycles I'd had the past two months, thanx to my girls. ;) Both times I was around the 18th of the month, so I still think I should have been due to bleed around that time in Feb as well. But here I am, still waiting. No period. Twelve days late. That's just not something my body really does, bleed two full weeks later than expected. I don't think I've ever been more than a week late, regardless of my cycle's readjustments, regardless of dietary/exercise/drug-influence changes. I've now been around hormonal women about to have their periods, which would also normally set my own period off but has not. The only thing I can imagine would throw it that far off would be the nicotine withdrawl. I've quit many a time before (for 3+ years prior to and after the birth of my daughter was the longest to date, and the time period I'm trying to beat this time!) and never had such a massive impact. And no, my hubbs & I don't use birth control... I've actually been off any form of it for probably 8 or so years now. TMI alert, but he just pulls out. He's never had an ooops. That's still true to this day. And we did put in a concerted effort to conceive our daughter, it took 2 tries, but it was most definitely a planned conception. So for me to be knocked up accidentally is something my math major mind is still having a hard time wrapping around, that the odds would work out this way, but I guess we'll find out, and anything's possible. The last time I pee'd on a stick recently was Feb. 27th, when I went over to my friend Jess's place to visit her brand new baby girl, Jill. (born 2/18, ironically...) It was very clearly negative. That morning, I'd also taken a test, using "first morning pee" (which supposedly has the highest levels of the hormone a pee test is looking for to determine pregnancy) and that was also negative. That test "turned" positive after less than an hour, but I hear that's common & caused by an "evaporation line", not true hormone levels. I refuse to buy more tests yet, as I feel it'll be a waste of money. I either am pregnant, or I'm not pregnant. Testing right this second would probably still be negative since my hormone levels would still be crazy low. However, I'm dying to know, and it's driving me batty to not. ;) Because I'm a crazy person, so I've already looked online and although I had thought maybe I'd have a cool due date like 12/2012, I wouldn't. Dang it. ;) I'd be due around October 24th, but then my girl Nicki would love it, as her bday is 10/30... ;) I've also been thinking how I've had dreams in my life that always show the same thing in regards to my children. An older girl, and a younger boy. Every. Stinkin. Time. And my dreams were right-on regarding the older girl, my first born was indeed female. So now, crazy one that I am, I'm thinking if I were preggers (assumptive as that is at this point) then maybe, just maybe, this one will be the BOY from the dreams. :) Jeff & I had picked a boy name before our girl name last time I was pregnant, before we knew her gender. Max Anthony. But growing up, my name, Hope, had no nickname for it, and I always hated that part of my name, so I want my kids to have a proper name but also a nickname. I looked online and there's a "new" name gaining popularity since 2008. Just this year it has really taken off, according to the web. Maxton. I don't even know if I'd stay with Anthony, but I do kinda like this new Maxton option a great deal. So I guess we'll see. I think I just needed to write all this down so I can get my mind off it and get back to life for now. There's nothing I can change or control in this situation currently, so I need to just sit back & wait (yes writing that sentence is more to convince MYSELF than anything else...). But that is NOT something I'm good at yet, even after 30+ years of practice... ;) But we'll get there. So no matter what happens, this "scare" has been hugely eye opening for me. It's shown me just how much I do want another child. And that I'm not as scared as I thought I'd be at the idea of that happening right NOW. Even though our house is FAR too small. Even though my car's not going to last forever. Even though I just got this job. I'm not scared. I have this calm about the idea, that if we got through the hardships of the changes caused by our first born, we can get through anything. And it's shown me that I do believe my husband & I have been getting stronger & stronger lately. More of a "team". But of course, any time I say something like that, I get home & he's a rebellious 13 year old again ;) So knock on some wood, I guess, haha! :D I guess I should get back to work now, but I needed to put this all down. Literally AND metaphorically. Perhaps in a few days, there will be an update. I'm curious to read it. ;)