5 Weeks

Well we've gone and done it. We done made a baby. A tiny little sesame seed of cells has invaded my pelvis and is already reeking havoc. And I love it.

We've been trying for months, an issue I didn't have with my first, who just turned four. But come to discover, the timing did work out in the end. It's not the busy season at my job. My coworker's vacation plans will not be effected by my maternity leave, as they would likely have been if we'd conceived any sooner.

We haven't told my daughter yet, I want to have the ultrasound in my hand to show her and be better able to explain it to her. However, I doubt I can keep it from her for weeks. I've barely been able to for the three days I've known already. ;)

I knew I was this time. I felt different, I was snapping at my husband at the drop of a hat, yet felt oddly calm at other times. My cramps were sharp random pangs of pain (still are) not consistent dull aches like my period brings. I had been eating like I had a tape worm... I was crying at everything, especially songs or sweet tv commercials. And I got stupid horrible REALLY bad clumsy like with my daughter. As if I'm trying to use someone else's hands! Which gets old. Fast.

The past two days I've been barely able to keep my eyes open past 8pm. I'm already getting that exhaustion at work around 3:30pm that was a constant issue with my firstborn. My body just stops functioning and says it's time for a nap. That's not helpful when my job expects me to function until 5pm! :D

I am hoping for a boy, but I'll be thrilled with any healthy child. But because of how difficult sisterhood can be, I'd really love to mix it up. I would also love to give my husband a son. His father was so amazing, and although I barely knew him before he succumbed to his second round with cancer, I know that the man I married is who he is, and is the father he is, because of his own father. I think that's part of why it's hard for him to be joyous about pregnancies.

My mom said my own father had a hard time with her pregnancies, because his father too died before he became a dad. She said, think about it, you're about to be a mom, who do you go ask about being a good mom? Who do you call at 2am when you're lost and panicking? YOUR mother. Who can they call when they need help being a dad? They want to call their dad, but cannot.

That really helped me understand my husband. My mom is so good at helping me find other perspectives. I'm told often that I'm wise, or an "old soul". I think it's just that I was literally intentionally taught that evolving is part of our purpose, it's our job, and it's our only way to true happiness. My parents are so totally different from the people who raised me. They continue to get better, to grow, that what else could I do but live up to that, right?

Oh here we go, tearing up thinking of my mom. ;)

I'm definitely not telling my job yet, at least not until we have an ultrasound that says everything looks wonderful. Perhaps even not until I start to show, we'll see. So for now, I cannot tell the world. I cannot scream it from a hillside like I so desperately desire. I must leave all hints to it off all social media, and I'm just dying. I'm great at keeping other people's secrets, but horrible at keeping my own. How's that for irony. ;) If that's even the right word...

Well, I'm sure I'll have far more to write as we go. 5 weeks down, 35 to go. ;) It'll feel like forever, then once the baby is here, it'll feel like 3 seconds I'm sure. :)


#hopevali #contradictivehope #5weeks #pregnant #prose

tired.

I am tired.

I am tired of being treated differently because of my job title or salary range.

I am tired of people assuming I'm somehow an imbecile because they are so insecure that degrading another is the only way they know how to feel better about themselves.

I am tired of being expected to always be the bigger person, especially by people who are the total opposite, where, no matter how vicious their initial attack of me, I am not even allowed to reply, let alone lash back, or somehow I become the asshole and they are just the poor victim.

I am tired of working my ass off to barely make ends meet, when people who do jack shit get to have it all.

I am tired of being stressed out.

I am tired of demands that I act as Obama's life defender simply because I disagree with some of Romney's opinions or beliefs.

I am tired of people assuming they know all about me, especially when they don't actually listen to a word coming out of my mouth.

I am tired of finding silver linings for myself, let alone for everyone else.

I am tired of holding other people's luggage while they go pee, and just never come back.

I am tired of being the adult, and then being yelled at when the other adults want to do nothing but act like children, yet want all their own responsibilities taken care of magically or by me.

I am tired of double standards, inequalities and imbalance.

I am tired of hearing how everyone else knows better than everyone else and everyone else is just an idiot because they dare to disagree.

I am tired of people who are loving and kind getting screwed over by people who are manipulative and cruel.

I am tired of waiting for karma to make it worth it.

I am tired of waiting for the timeline to be long enough.

I am tired of "just breathe". I can't NOT breathe without dying, so maybe sometimes breathing is the actual problem, not the solution.

I am tired of trying to help, with the best of intentions, choosing my words so very carefully so that none feel attacked, only to be attacked in response, with words meant to cut & hurt, to be broken into pieces for no reason other than the fact that I tried to HELP and someone else didn't like that.

I am tired of my feelings & opinions mattering least of all.

I am tired of feeling alone, and knowing in my heart that I'm really not alone, but feeling it so deeply and exhaustingly that the logic behind it is drowned out by the tides.

I am tired of trying.

I am tired.




#hopevali #contradictivehope #iam #tired #poetry