5 Weeks

Well we've gone and done it. We done made a baby. A tiny little sesame seed of cells has invaded my pelvis and is already reeking havoc. And I love it.

We've been trying for months, an issue I didn't have with my first, who just turned four. But come to discover, the timing did work out in the end. It's not the busy season at my job. My coworker's vacation plans will not be effected by my maternity leave, as they would likely have been if we'd conceived any sooner.

We haven't told my daughter yet, I want to have the ultrasound in my hand to show her and be better able to explain it to her. However, I doubt I can keep it from her for weeks. I've barely been able to for the three days I've known already. ;)

I knew I was this time. I felt different, I was snapping at my husband at the drop of a hat, yet felt oddly calm at other times. My cramps were sharp random pangs of pain (still are) not consistent dull aches like my period brings. I had been eating like I had a tape worm... I was crying at everything, especially songs or sweet tv commercials. And I got stupid horrible REALLY bad clumsy like with my daughter. As if I'm trying to use someone else's hands! Which gets old. Fast.

The past two days I've been barely able to keep my eyes open past 8pm. I'm already getting that exhaustion at work around 3:30pm that was a constant issue with my firstborn. My body just stops functioning and says it's time for a nap. That's not helpful when my job expects me to function until 5pm! :D

I am hoping for a boy, but I'll be thrilled with any healthy child. But because of how difficult sisterhood can be, I'd really love to mix it up. I would also love to give my husband a son. His father was so amazing, and although I barely knew him before he succumbed to his second round with cancer, I know that the man I married is who he is, and is the father he is, because of his own father. I think that's part of why it's hard for him to be joyous about pregnancies.

My mom said my own father had a hard time with her pregnancies, because his father too died before he became a dad. She said, think about it, you're about to be a mom, who do you go ask about being a good mom? Who do you call at 2am when you're lost and panicking? YOUR mother. Who can they call when they need help being a dad? They want to call their dad, but cannot.

That really helped me understand my husband. My mom is so good at helping me find other perspectives. I'm told often that I'm wise, or an "old soul". I think it's just that I was literally intentionally taught that evolving is part of our purpose, it's our job, and it's our only way to true happiness. My parents are so totally different from the people who raised me. They continue to get better, to grow, that what else could I do but live up to that, right?

Oh here we go, tearing up thinking of my mom. ;)

I'm definitely not telling my job yet, at least not until we have an ultrasound that says everything looks wonderful. Perhaps even not until I start to show, we'll see. So for now, I cannot tell the world. I cannot scream it from a hillside like I so desperately desire. I must leave all hints to it off all social media, and I'm just dying. I'm great at keeping other people's secrets, but horrible at keeping my own. How's that for irony. ;) If that's even the right word...

Well, I'm sure I'll have far more to write as we go. 5 weeks down, 35 to go. ;) It'll feel like forever, then once the baby is here, it'll feel like 3 seconds I'm sure. :)


#hopevali #contradictivehope #5weeks #pregnant #prose