Hello, March.

I'm most definitely "in transition", as my former coworkers & affiliates at the Spiritual Life Center (West Hartford, CT, www.spiritlifectr.org) would say. My life is in transit, and change is a hard pill to swallow. But I'm getting better at it the older I get I guess... I quit smoking on Feb. 2nd, using the patch. I stopped putting on the patch Feb. 21st. So I'm over a week 100% nicotine free. I've also been sick pretty much all of February. Horrible sore throat thing for 3-4 days, then a day or two reprieve, then a vicious chest cold for a good two weeks or so. So I've been getting healthier for just under a week, slow & steady. I'm also taking a lot more vitamins now. D3 because my body stopped making it after I gave birth to my daughter (now 3 1/2 yrs old) and it causes tremendous joint pain & emotional instability within me to be out of it now, B12 for memory & brain function (new job needs good brain stuff!), Zinc because I keep getting sick (my daughter brings everything home from nursery school... esp the germs), Folic Acid because my OBGYN said I have to take it if we're not on a consistent form of birth control (I'll get to that part...), & B6 to stabilize my mood when my hormones get crazy. So that's a lot of change & stuff for one body to deal with in one month. And I have 2 female friends who have seriously dominent hormones who throw off my monthly female cycle when I see them at certain points of their cycles, who've caused my period to come early the past 2 months now. So in the past, something like an external influence causing my period to change it's normal comings & goings, is usually adjusted for by the body & my body clock readjusts to the new setting, instead of trying to go back to how it was the month or two before. So with all this going on, I really wasn't surprised when my period, due Feb. 18th, didn't show up on time. I'm calling 2/18 the date it was due using the assumption that my clock would reset itself to the adjusted cycles I'd had the past two months, thanx to my girls. ;) Both times I was around the 18th of the month, so I still think I should have been due to bleed around that time in Feb as well. But here I am, still waiting. No period. Twelve days late. That's just not something my body really does, bleed two full weeks later than expected. I don't think I've ever been more than a week late, regardless of my cycle's readjustments, regardless of dietary/exercise/drug-influence changes. I've now been around hormonal women about to have their periods, which would also normally set my own period off but has not. The only thing I can imagine would throw it that far off would be the nicotine withdrawl. I've quit many a time before (for 3+ years prior to and after the birth of my daughter was the longest to date, and the time period I'm trying to beat this time!) and never had such a massive impact. And no, my hubbs & I don't use birth control... I've actually been off any form of it for probably 8 or so years now. TMI alert, but he just pulls out. He's never had an ooops. That's still true to this day. And we did put in a concerted effort to conceive our daughter, it took 2 tries, but it was most definitely a planned conception. So for me to be knocked up accidentally is something my math major mind is still having a hard time wrapping around, that the odds would work out this way, but I guess we'll find out, and anything's possible. The last time I pee'd on a stick recently was Feb. 27th, when I went over to my friend Jess's place to visit her brand new baby girl, Jill. (born 2/18, ironically...) It was very clearly negative. That morning, I'd also taken a test, using "first morning pee" (which supposedly has the highest levels of the hormone a pee test is looking for to determine pregnancy) and that was also negative. That test "turned" positive after less than an hour, but I hear that's common & caused by an "evaporation line", not true hormone levels. I refuse to buy more tests yet, as I feel it'll be a waste of money. I either am pregnant, or I'm not pregnant. Testing right this second would probably still be negative since my hormone levels would still be crazy low. However, I'm dying to know, and it's driving me batty to not. ;) Because I'm a crazy person, so I've already looked online and although I had thought maybe I'd have a cool due date like 12/2012, I wouldn't. Dang it. ;) I'd be due around October 24th, but then my girl Nicki would love it, as her bday is 10/30... ;) I've also been thinking how I've had dreams in my life that always show the same thing in regards to my children. An older girl, and a younger boy. Every. Stinkin. Time. And my dreams were right-on regarding the older girl, my first born was indeed female. So now, crazy one that I am, I'm thinking if I were preggers (assumptive as that is at this point) then maybe, just maybe, this one will be the BOY from the dreams. :) Jeff & I had picked a boy name before our girl name last time I was pregnant, before we knew her gender. Max Anthony. But growing up, my name, Hope, had no nickname for it, and I always hated that part of my name, so I want my kids to have a proper name but also a nickname. I looked online and there's a "new" name gaining popularity since 2008. Just this year it has really taken off, according to the web. Maxton. I don't even know if I'd stay with Anthony, but I do kinda like this new Maxton option a great deal. So I guess we'll see. I think I just needed to write all this down so I can get my mind off it and get back to life for now. There's nothing I can change or control in this situation currently, so I need to just sit back & wait (yes writing that sentence is more to convince MYSELF than anything else...). But that is NOT something I'm good at yet, even after 30+ years of practice... ;) But we'll get there. So no matter what happens, this "scare" has been hugely eye opening for me. It's shown me just how much I do want another child. And that I'm not as scared as I thought I'd be at the idea of that happening right NOW. Even though our house is FAR too small. Even though my car's not going to last forever. Even though I just got this job. I'm not scared. I have this calm about the idea, that if we got through the hardships of the changes caused by our first born, we can get through anything. And it's shown me that I do believe my husband & I have been getting stronger & stronger lately. More of a "team". But of course, any time I say something like that, I get home & he's a rebellious 13 year old again ;) So knock on some wood, I guess, haha! :D I guess I should get back to work now, but I needed to put this all down. Literally AND metaphorically. Perhaps in a few days, there will be an update. I'm curious to read it. ;)