my pretty little formulaic rhythm

There are the days I feel on top of the world. I have the best husband and daughter a woman could ask for. My parents are alive and healthy, still mostly happily married, working part time despite their retirement and traveling all over the place.

My family has a roof overhead, heat in the winters, cool air in the summers, food in a fridge and fairly clean water for drinking. I have friends for whom I care deeply and seem to care for me as well. I have an unconditionally loving dog to greet me every night, I am able to see the sun with my own eyes and feel it's light and heat warm my skin, and I am healthy enough to work and walk and sing and play.

Other days I feel like the gum beneath someone's shoe, stepped on and stretched too far. Stuck, unstable and precarious, knowing I could be tossed aside in a heartbeat at the moment someone notices my presence. Some days feel useless, some feel heartless, some feel numb and some just ironically harsh.

What I am trying to do is put all these days into one basket, my life. How to balance and reconcile so many days, so different and so fierce, into one sweet bank rec on a computer full of numbers and codes. But life won't let me. Too many viruses on that computer, too many variables effecting my pretty little formulaic rhythm. Perhaps that's why I obsess over things like Phi...

http://www.goldennumber.net/

http://www.natures-word.com/sacred-geometry/phi-the-golden-proportion/phi-the-golden-proportion-in-nature

Today, I guess today can be described by just plain out of sorts, out of energy, out of patience, feeling disconnected to all, feeling alone yet responsible to those who in any way depend on me despite feeling like I'm about to drop everything I'm trying to juggle with them or for them if even one drop of rain should add to my baggage.

I wonder how much of this is hormonal, if, when I hit certain days of my cycle, I will just get "down" and need to anticipate that better.

Or what if I am effected by the turns of the earth, the phases of the moon, the flares of the sun, or the alignment of planets I cannot see with my fallible human eyes?

What if I am somehow in a place I was not supposed to be at? What if I am picking up and feeling the fears and disconnections of people with whom I am closely tied? What if this is all I'll ever be?

It's funny how many people tell me their feelings & thoughts and simply assume they are and will always be alone in those thoughts or feelings. To hear "you are not alone" has such differing reactions. Some are offended that they are somehow no longer "unique" in their pain, and try to compete as if their pain is more valid, is worse, or should be held in higher regard somehow. Others suddenly gain relief, to not be alone means this too shall pass, or someone out there might understand, or in some way get hope from those words. Some people deny that anyone could possibly understand, as if they must be alone simply because they are who they are, as if we are not all human, we are not all emotional and self conscious every single day, as if we don't all judge ourselves or question the things we are told or feel or know to be true.

I know that I am not alone, in oh so many ways. I have my sweet little family, my extended blood family, I have my "Famylie" (a group of very close friends with whom I have spent years creating a new family, a family of choice, a family of coexistance and non judgementalism, a family of love where many had no family at all) and most importantly, I have my faith.

Trust me, it's not your faith or any faith you've ever heard of before. It's a faith based on years of personal searching, of intimate introspective debates, of evolutionary decades of life each different in its discoveries and travels, a faith tailored to only fit me. My higher power speaks to me in words no one else could understand, but speak she does, not when I ask her to, but when I need it most. My higher power has nothing to do with your God. She may have some things in common, but she is not "God" as our society defines her in any way. And she is mine, and I am hers.

I do highly recommend to you that you find your higher power, it need not have a name, it need not have a face or a definition. But to have something to believe in that is larger than yourself, something that can never die, that you never need fear of leaving, something that is wishing the best for you and believes in you when you find it impossible to believe in yourself or anything else, THAT is what faith provides.

Religion lost it's purpose along the way, and so we are forced to re-find that something for ourselves, to save ourselves.

I wonder what Jesus would say about each of us becoming our own saviors. I personally think he'd adore the idea. But that's just MY faith talking. And it's ok if yours isn't mine. As long as it works for YOU.

PS how did this post evolve so randomly? I'll take it.