a blessed loser

I'm not sure what I'm feeling. So when I feel that I think to write. But then I doubt myself, and then deny. But today I'm just going to do, not doubt.

I feel like the most blessed person in the world. And yet I feel like the biggest loser too.

Blessed:
Yesterday I almost died. I came around a narrow curve and there was a car in my lane coming straight at me. He'd been trying to pass another on-coming car. I still can't figure out how we didn't hit, not at all, and how I didn't flip my car trying to avoid his. I feel protected after that.

And because of it, my husband went off last night about how if that guy had indeed killed his whole family (my daughter was in the car) he'd have brought a gun into the courtroom & shot the guy dead. He wouldn't care what happened to him after, since everything he loved was already gone. Then he got teary & told me that I'm still the best decision he's ever made in his life. Then we tried to make us another baby. ;)

Loser:
I don't know what's up with my thoughts lately, but every word I say I feel like someone is criticizing it, or it's not good enough, or it was the wrong thing to say, or someone rolled their eyes at my comments. Every choice I make, my brain bashes later for one reason or another. Every person I interact with must think I'm crazy, or think I share too much, or that I'm an idiot for finding joy in something so foolish, or that I am just too young & naive simply because I try to not become jaded the way they have or in the areas that they have.

Why am I seeing myself so critically? I know what certain people who care about me would say. That I'm wrong, and I'm great, and they need me and love me. And yet, on days like this, knowledge like that isn't really helping.

And so I just keep holding on to my husband's words last night. He's the one who counts most, right? He's the one I chose to be around day in and day out, to talk to multiple times every single day, to wake up to and fall asleep beside, who's hand I want to hold 86,927,432.77 times in my life. ;)

He's my inspiration, my strength, my biggest pet peeve and my most vocal supporter. He grounds me when my head is in the clouds, he holds me up when I'm weak. But he also drives me absolutely crazy, as any good roommate would. As anyone who really really knows me would. Because I allow myself to be vulnerable to him, as part of my trust in him. Sometimes I want to smack him, sometimes I want to have a thousand of his children, I guess it all depends on what kind of day we each are having.

Interesting that I was so desperately unsure what to write about today, in my quest to find some sense of balance within this "I am a blessed loser" battle within me, that is exhausting me in all ways. And interesting that I ended up going on and on about my husband instead. And how much I love him. And I guess that answers my debate.

He & I both got a glimpse of how short our time together could be, if life wanted it to be short. And he & I both saw a truth, and blessed be that it was the same truth for us both. That what we have is a gift. So I'm going to try to hold onto that above all today.

Now watch, he'll probably be some stinker tonight now that I've raved about how great he is... ;) He always seems to know when I've bragged about him, and then proves me wrong. hahaaa :) But he's mine, and I am his. And we have our daughter, and maybe another kid will come. Our little family is the greatest blessing of all.

I guess I should stop worrying about other people thinking I'm a loser, since my family alone makes me the biggest winner.