dream

Last night's intense dream...

I was in a medium to large sized room full of people, all perfectly dressed, in perfectly-tailored synthetic outfits and manicured nails, a few are even my friends in waking life. all well dressed, looking clean and smiling and chatting. the people i knew in the dream in the room were all the friends i see as most "successful" in life, all around. families, jobs, etc. or at least they appear to be so from what i get to see... none of my truest best friends were there, maybe because i know so much about them that i know the successes and i know the hardships, both... the people in this room are the people that i dont ever hear complain, you never know if their marriage is awesome or just pretty in pictures, that kind of thing...

there was a large buffet to one side, that people were filling their plates from, then sitting in perfectly laid out rows of tables with evenly spaced chairs. no one shared, everyone had their own plate. i went to the buffet with my plate, the food looked so amazing. i took a few things, but decided not to overfill my plate and just come back for more after.

i walked to where a friend had saved me a seat at her table, but by the time i got there, my plate had vanished from my hand. i didnt put it down, it was just gone. for a minute i wondered if it had even really existed? nah...

i looked all over the room and couldnt find it, though. so my friend suggested i just get a new plate, so i did. i start over to the buffet food, and as i approach each dish option, there's either almost none left, or the serving people close the lid and say i cant have that, or that's being put away, stuff like that.

i could take the burnt edges of what's left, the scraps of this or that, but all that amazing food is gone, or not available to me. and no one at the big tables would share anything, not even my friend. maybe a piece of her soft roll, but not really...

so i look at the empty chair at my friend's table, the only chair left in the room, and consider my options... i look around the entire room, with the empty plate in my hand, and see a doorway i hadnt noticed before. the door is open, but it's as if no one in the room i'm currently in even realizes there's a door other than the one they've entered from originally, which is at the other side of the room, and has remained closed since we all poured in.

i walk toward the open door and sunlight is streaming in. there is a much smaller room beyond the door, like a little porch, and the walls are almost entirely windows. i hadnt noticed the big room i had been in this whole time had almost no real sunlight coming in, and all the light was from bright florescent lights in the ceiling.

i cautiously step through the door, but just one step, because then i notice the people in this new room, and I suddenly feel as if i'm intruding.

they are sitting on a couch, on the floor, on pillows, on a couple wooden chairs, all haphazardly strewn around a coffee table. they are dressed in normal clothes, soft cottons, some aren't even that clean. some have dreadlocks or wear hats, none have fancy nails or makeup. most have their backs toward me, but one turns and says "come on in! are you hungry?" i see there are many plates of random food on the little coffee table, but simple food, nothing like the buffet had. more like hors devours - crackers, cheese, apples, bread, olive oil... but they are all sharing, and everyone is chatting and smiling, and the noise feels more relaxed and sincere than in the big buffet room.

they make room for me on the couch. they were already squished, but they make room. i ask why no one else from the other room comes in here, or seems to even see this room? they said something to the effect of those folks being too distracted by their buffet, and too busy making sure they have a seat at the big table.

then i woke up.

it blew me away how, this dream pretty much sums up where i once was, and where i want to be...

from working in corporate for huge money and being who i was "supposed" to be and doing what i was "supposed" to do to achieve this "success" thing, so therefore happiness would just "find" me (instead of me finding it within myself!) and realizing just how messed up that place was and what an illusion it all was (like the plate disappearing in the dream), to where i am now, focused not on money or "success" in the eyes of others, but on family and friendships and my own inner journey, without needing to be rich or have fancy clothes defining me any more, but still ever searching... and that smaller room is what i'm searching for.

i'm tired of having no options but leftover scraps, just so i can claim a seat at the big tables, where ppl smile and talk about jobs and kids and how "great" everything is (on the surface) but nothing else, focused on only themselves, under stale lights in flashy tight clothes on hard perfectly-arranged chairs.

i want to rest in the sun, squished on a couch, breaking bread with those who dont care how each other are dressed, or who has which chair, or even a chair at all. where it's ok to sit on the floor. where the plates of food are everyone's and no one is left without. where laughter is genuine and relaxed. where the sun streams in all around, and everyone does actually notice that it is there at all.

I think I'm getting there, esp with friends like you guys, but the journey continues. This dream helped me see the path more clearly today. xo

#1515


#hopevali #contradictivehope #dream #perfectpeople #whattabledoyouwanttositat