reprieve, i do wait.

I keep catching myself fading off into the distance... My eyes lost focusing on nothing... Put together with the amount I've been sleeping, I think I need to pay attention again... I'm eating less & less healthy again... I haven't spent a lick of quality time with my hubby... I've been getting more testy with my daughter...

These are all the signs I know and despise, but have become my familiars. It's time for something to change. It's time for a smack upside the head. It's time for a treat, a break, a SOMETHING.

Cuz I can't stand the "D" word but I can feel it coming. Sinking into a void of nothing, slowly numbed and unable to fight through. Not quite here but rolling in like the tide, the tide of my life, an ebb & flow of days & nights into one massive cloud of "oh no". Depression has no visible line, no date, no shadow.

How trite that word has become. As if just some cold we all catch, a quick fix pill's cure away, a weakness we should all be masters at by now, yet none of us are.

And I refuse to bow down, to just take it like a victim. Which is part of why it's not here yet. But I feel it behind me, hiding until I am too tired to keep watch.

I do indeed know her causes, though her cures are not within eye-shot, today. For it is not in preventing the cause that this bout may be broken, not this time.

Unfortunate in it's outcome, the path cannot be untaken. This be one of the few times my control of the situation is gone. In this, I have no choice. In this, I have no option but to take what I am given. It is in that helplessness, I find difficulty. I find fear. I find frustration and anger. I find myself trying to give up. I find myself under-motivated to fight.

But my daddy would say he raised a fighter, so what exactly do I do with this? How do I fight a life of surprises that I also so deeply respect? How do I fight a ghost with no form? How do I fight for control of things I ought not have control over, just because control is what I desire?

How do I proceed? I despise that unknowing, unanswerable question. I feel it's weight, pushing me down under a layer of water so thin it appears like a cloud, not the fluid filling my lungs that I should be defending so fiercely against.

But in a single small moment of quiet vulnerability, one voice beckons through the notes of another. A reprieve perhaps? Reprieve per se? Reprieve darest I hope?

Reprieve, I do wait.


#hopevali #contradictivehope #reprieve #idowait #prose