fully fine.

It's been awhile, but a friend reminded me the other day that I'm probably due to step back onto this page of outlets for a bit again...

Today I am 25 weeks pregnant with our 2nd baby girl. I get to see her by ultrasound again in 5 days, which is what's keeping me pushing forward right now, when I just feel mostly numb and exhausted (both inside and out) and just want to hide in my bed for a few months. The pregnancy dreams have picked up again, the past two nights being pretty journey-filled and rest-less... I honestly wonder what exactly provokes them, something I eat, my mindset, or what, as I've tried to effect each possible variable to test theories and no pattern has emerged. Hence why we call them Dreams and not something else with a more logical & controllable connotation, I suppose...

It feels like I am helpless, barely staying afloat in a turbulent sea with no land in sight, and I can see many friends splashing around near by, struggling for breath between the stormy waves, but none of us able to help the others due to our own struggles to merely survive. Is that really what it's about, just surviving? And yet I know I have so much more than so many others, mostly blessings I've worked my ass off for, fought fiercely to earn, battled time and logic and conformity to see through, and yet, I still feel like I'm fighting SO hard. I hold onto hope that my 4 year old daughter and this new baby girl learn to be fighters like their momma, but don't need to fight for nearly so much as I have felt I have had to. The world just seems like such a messed up place, topsy turvy values and imbalanced ideals, the entitled self righteous walking so tall with their power built off the backs of a weary majority worth so much more...

I want more for my babies, than to sit and wait as they grow for their parents to make time to play, because they are so furiously busy working thanklessly for the simplicities of food, heat, or shelter. When so many have so much more than they'd ever need, and yet, still desire more, more, more no matter where it comes from or who else might suffer for it's achivement...

I want the freedom to be tired, without guilt of someone else's needs not being met. I want the quiet of enjoying little kicks in my belly without the weight of worry every minute upon my shoulders. I want to have more time in my life for MY LIFE, not someone else's "bottom line profit margin". I want to sing, to teach my children to dance in the rain, instead of handing them off to some other underpaid, under-appreciated hard working unrelated stranger who I cannot be sure will even show care, or raise my kids the way I want them raised, when all I'd need to do it myself is just a tiny piece of what so many already have, yet are so blind to it's blessing.

I want people to open their eyes to perspective. I want them to stop doing for themselves and wishing it would make them happy, when it never will. And I want to stop being judged for that one desire, as if it were wrong, as if THAT were the selfish act.

And so I hide, I hide in the gentle smell of my daughter's skin beside me on the couch, as I push off all the "need to do's" that build my worry, knowing no matter what I did in the moment, they'd still be there to greet me with snide, sharp smiles the next day, and the next. I tear and swallow the tears as often as one might breathe in air, knowing none of this is likely, no change I pray for will suddenly and magically shine down from some cloud like an age old tale of some religious savior, tainted by greedy men desiring power or demanding control with threats of a fear-firing vengeful "GOD".

And so I march on, to the beat I am played, not the beat I wish to play for myself, my family, my friends, my world. Waiting for the day more are willing to play a beat more like mine, when we are finally louder than the rest. I fear that day never will come, and yet, hope Stands in my heart with the dream, as my body falls from the weight of the rest... And until some sparklie purple rainbow maybe someday dream day, I do what I must, to do what I must, to do the best I can for my desires, as I have always done no matter how weary the "musts" make me. I teach my children the ways of my heart, I teach them to see with their ears instead of their eyes, I try to live what I wish for them to live, in the off hope that one day, their world will be different from mine.

I just wish I could scream and be heard. I just wish my words were absorbed, not assumed. I just wish some things could be louder than others, like the truth for once overtaking the insecurities of each individual heart, thinking they are being judged and must judge forth in some kind of hurtful balance of wills.

I just wish I could get more sleep. I just wish I could see my new baby's face again and know that my worries are so much smaller than her tiny body inside my womb, to see my daughters meet for the first time, to hold them both in my arms, close my eyes, and for just a moment, be fully fine.


#hopevali #contradictivehope #prose #pregnant #fullyfine #wish